Dear Leslie (15)

 Dear Leslie,

15 years without you now. The costumes, the trick-or-treating, the anticipation of a fun evening with the kids, and it's all a reminder of what day it is. The reminder that you're not here and that it still feels like something is terribly wrong. You should be here. 

Two weeks ago today, we passed the Torah to Quinn. And you weren't there. I made a video highlighting his beautiful life so far. 13 years of Quinn. And because you died before he was born, you were missing throughout the entire video. Not.one.photo. And you're his grandmother. You should be in it. You should have been there. 

And yet, you kind of were. Richard stood closest to the end, receiving the Torah symbolically from you (and from all the other loved ones who are no longer with us who would be standing there if they could: my grandparents and great-grandparents, Sam's grandparents and great-grandparents and so on before us). But the closest blood relative that was missing was you. And while I definitely see my own grandma and my grandpa immediately beside you, I know we were all thinking of you in that moment and knowing you were there with us as much as you could be. 

So another year has passed, and you still miss the milestones, the celebrations, the stress, the hardships. Knox is in his last year of elementary school, and just the other day we got the parent information night invitation to the senior high for Banner. Life is flying by, and finding time to just be together as a family is difficult. The band concerts, the baseball games, the time with friends, the practices, the volunteer hours, the constant "go" of it all - it's a lot and it's hectic. We just keep going and going and going, with little time to just stop and soak it all in. But on nights like tonight, when I take a breather and reflect on all you're missing, I'm just feeling so entirely blessed and fortunate that I'm here and I get to live this life. I wish you could know these kids and your son in this moment of our lives. It's forever unfair that you can't. 

But you are thought of and mentioned and joked about and loved still. At the BBYO event the night after Quinn's bar mitzvah, there was a memorial video, and you were in it - missed and loved by many people who you grew up with. (You were in that video with Uncle Joe (who you always talked about as Joe Beau) and Farra and several other well-loved people.) People remember you. People talk about you. And we still take you with us in this crazy, hectic life of ours. And I felt like I just needed you to know that. 

We love you and miss you and will continue to try to make every day a beautiful day. 

Missing you,

Am