Dear Leslie,
We are days away from the general election, where your son's name is on the ballot for judge of the 366th District Court. It sucks you can't be here to vote for him, to see the impact he's having on our county, the county you raised him in. It's been a wild ride, and I know you would have loved to be a part of it. I imagine you'd be calling all your friends to make sure they vote. I imagine you'd be making phone calls to help him reach voters, but then again, we'd probably keep telling you to stop talking voters' heads off with all the things you'd want to tell them about your baby. You'd also be an emotional mess with the way our country is right now. This damn COVID-19, the disgustingness that is Trump, people hating other people. For that reason, I guess I'm glad you don't have to deal with it. No doubt, you'd be watching the news all the time and perhaps buying way too much crap on QVC as a form of retail therapy.
These letters to you seem to be harder and harder to write as I don't know what else to tell you that I haven't already said. October 31 comes each year, like every other date on the calendar, and still you miss every one of those days. But it stings a little more as the number of years we've been without you climbs, and you continue to miss all that goes on. As I've told you every year, you'd be so super proud of all your grandsons: how smart they are, how kind they are, how helpful and well-mannered. They are all growing up way too fast - your oldest a junior in high school and your youngest already learning to read! Next year will be the year that Miles is a senior and Knox a kindergartener! "Wow!" to both, right!?
Last week, Knox asked to see a picture of you. We scrolled through Facebook to find some. He wanted to see your "whole body" to know exactly what you looked like. I can't say what Sam was feeling while we sat in the dark finding photos of you, but I'll tell you that even though he wanted to move on with bedtime because it was getting late, he wasn't in a rush to stop that conversation or stop showing his youngest son smiling photos of you. And, man, would you just get a kick out of that little nugget of ours. He is wild. You'd laugh and laugh at his craziness and would NOT be able to keep up with him. He's a force to be reckoned with, for sure! He's smart and totally funny. And he has a vocabulary that would knock your socks off. His command and control of idioms and expressions are impressive, too!
Similarly, Quinn is witty and sees humor and joy everywhere! He would make you laugh with his jokes, make you enamored with his cuddly, affectionate ways, and make you flabbergasted at how quick and smart he is. That boy would want to snuggle up with you, and you wouldn't be able to get enough! You would most definitely say he is an old soul, just like you used to about Sam. You'd be annoyed at me saying this, but I have to be honest and tell you that while everyone says he looks just like Sam, I don't see it! No question, you'd disagree with me and take everyone else's side. You'd be pulling out photos of Sam at various ages comparing their physical appearances. Yes, he has Sam's coloring. Yes, his skin resembles your side of the family more. Yes, he has your eyebrow arches. But, he is his own person and I totally see my side of the family in him, as well. Given all of that, though, he is the only one of my boys I look at and see you in. So, we can settle this one-sided argument and say he's a good mix!
This brings me to Banner. You last held him at four-months-old, and there are a few things that are still the same about him from that age. He and I still make each other laugh with our "growling" voices, he loves to be around people, and he still loves attention and when people make him laugh. While he doesn't spit up all over the place at age 9 (thank goodness!), he does continue to have a strong gag reflex. :) If you were around today, he would most likely roll his eyes when you ask him to do something, and you'd probably get on him about how he isn't the most tolerant or sweet with his brothers. But, you would be blown away at his intellect, and you'd want to snuggle with him when his eyes light up with that contagious smile. He would probably tell you to stop hugging him, but he'd secretly want you to keep trying to pull him in. Banner is definitely the one who is most curious about you. I asked him recently what is something he would want to tell you, and the first thing that came to his mind: "I love you."
Anyway, in just a few days, we will know the outcome of this election. No matter what happens, you will be on our minds. If Sam wins, he'll wish you were there to celebrate with him. If he doesn't, I'll wish you were there to tell him how proud of him you are. The truth is, though, that we know you were proud of him and would be no matter what. It just sucks that you're not here to see it all - to see the way he leads, the way he balances work, campaigning, and family, the way everyone cheers him on, the way he treats his clients, how committed and loyal he is to his friends and coworkers, the way he puts his family first. He's really good at what he does, and while it may bore you to tears to hear about the ins and outs of "lawyering" and campaigning, you'd be happy he's excited about it all and how passionate he is.
The past few weeks, Knox has been a little preoccupied with dying and death. It scares him, understandably so. One night last week, when he started talking about it at bedtime, he asked if I will die when he's a grown up. I told him I hope we are both very old before that happens. He said I wouldn't be his mom anymore when I die. I told him that's not true, that even when I die, I'm still his mommy and no one else will ever be his mommy. Then we talked about you - that you're still Daddy's mommy, even if you're not here anymore. These conversations immediately tug at my heart as I put myself in your position - the mother to children you can't be with any longer. How awful it is that life just doesn't stay as it is, that no matter how much we love and how much we mean to each other, we can't choose to be together forever the way we want. But, as Banner reminds me when I hug him and say I wish we could stay like this forever, "I'll hug you in my heart forever."
Death doesn't change that part. You're here with us, in our hearts. And, we are still taking you along for this journey.
"Toast to the ones here today. Toast to the ones that we lost on the way 'cause the drinks bring back all the memories, and the memories bring back, memories bring back you."
Missing you always,
Amber
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