Journey to the Knot: February 2016

Dear Knox,

I've been waiting a long time to write you your blog letter. I've already written a private letter to you a few days before your birth, when you didn't officially have a name yet, but now I can publicly welcome you into our family, into our home, and into my heart, where you've already resided for quite some time. Oh my goodness, sweet boy, I am over the moon excited you are here and more in love with you than I could ever imagine. As you will soon find out, I will be writing you letters throughout your life to document your milestones, your growth and development, your big (and even not-so-big) happenings. I will also write in the hopes of capturing YOUR memories for you - things you will be too little to record and keep with you forever. You will find those memories safe in my keeping, written out for you to have forever in this blog (or later in blog books), so you will know exactly what you were up to these early years of your big life. Yes, I can be annoying with the constant picture taking and camera-carrying, and I can be overly sentimental at times. But, Knox Morgan, I am so very much in love with you and your brothers and being your mommy, I just want to savor these precious times with you and try as best I can to capture these moments and your "littleness" while I still can.

So, let's begin from the day before you were born, February 15th. I went to work that morning. Yes, I sat through the most boring of meetings on a President's Day Staff Development meeting for counselors. Time passed slowly as I counted down the hours and minutes before my official "discretionary leave" began and I could start doing my last-minute preparation for your arrival. I spent the rest of the day with Banner & Quinn - napping Quinn, escorting them to swim lessons, getting dinner and bath and bedtime underway. And, then it all hit. Our family of 4 would be different the following day. Banner had a hard time falling asleep that night. I couldn't blame him... I had had a difficult night the night before as my mind raced (along with my heart) with all kinds of thoughts and ideas and to-do's and concerns. But, Banner is sensitive and sensed how much his life was going to change the following day - all the while knowing Mommy was going to be in the hospital for a few days. As I maneuvered my big-bellied-body off of his top bunk where I thought he was sound asleep, Banner sat up and cried just a little. Daddy had already left the room and come back in to help Quinn settle down in the bottom bunk (he had been twisting and turning and chatting and doing whatever else he does down there!). Daddy knelt down next to the nightstand to hold Quinn's hand, and as Banner cried for me, I stood over Daddy holding Banner's hand, with my hand on Daddy's back to brace myself and lean more comfortably. It was in that moment that I got emotional - thinking of our little foursome being together right then, knowing everything would be different quite soon. We were literally embracing ourselves - all connected and ready to take on the new day ahead but mourning the loss of the family we currently knew. That sounds sad and morbid, but really, it was just all of us tearfully ending the short period in our lives when we were just a family of 4, the time before we knew you.

Later that night, Banner came in our room and crawled into our bed. I noticed how hungry I was, and knowing that at 4am, I could no longer eat anything before my surgery, I took advantage of being awake. I got up around 3:15am and ate a bowl of Honey Bunches - alone in the dark kitchen- thinking of you and how this was our last meal "together." It was our last little date while I was pregnant, and although a serious urge to pee interrupted it a bit, I was glad I recognized the significance of the moment - my last chance to nurture you while you grew inside my body, our last favorite food together, our last few moments alone - together.

The following morning, Tuesday, February 16th, Daddy and I took Banner and Quinn to school. We gave them big hugs and kisses and told them what would be happening the rest of the day (for like the 4th time!), and we watched them walk in the building knowing the next time we saw them, they'd be meeting you! We headed back home for about an hour of final packing, prepping for the hospital, and a few more last-minute belly pictures. Then, it was "go time!" Grandma met us at the hospital, and we all went up to the 3rd floor to check in and start preparing for your big debut. Minutes before they took me back, I read a prayer with Daddy and Grandma next to me - the same prayer I read before Banner and Quinn were born. Tears, of course, draped my cheeks as I prayed hard that all would go well in this delivery.

This delivery would be different from your brothers' births. With Banner, an induced labor ended in a somewhat-emergency C-section as his heart rate dropped after contractions. With Quinn, a repeat C-section followed general surgery protocol, where we saw him for the first time over a drape. With you, we opted for a "gentle" or "family" C-section, where we would be able to watch the doctors pull you out of my body and where you'd be placed on my bare chest only moments after delivery. Daddy and I were super-excited about this idea, and it did not disappoint! As I was getting my epidural, my OB came in to check on me and review what was going to happen during surgery. Daddy came in to the OR, and quite soon Dr. E was starting surgery! What seemed like a few minutes later, she asked if I was ready, and of course I was!

The anesthesiologist detached (via Velcro) the blue sheet that was hanging with a plastic see-through drape, so Daddy and I could easily look through and watch the doctors pull you out of my belly (at 12:19pm). The.coolest.thing! You were RIGHT there! You were leaving my body and coming into this world, and I got to see it! You cried easily right away, and you were beautiful. You had your umbilical cord in your hand and slightly draped over your shoulder - like you were carrying a purse. You were big and pink and definitely a boy! The nurse checked on you to be sure you were breathing okay (both 1- and 5-minute Apgar ratings were 9), she weighed you and cleaned you off a bit, gave you a diaper, then gave you to me! You were placed on my chest, wearing only a diaper and a hat, and you immediately wanted to find food. You were facing me, but you kept picking your head up off my chest and turning it away towards my breast. The nurses wouldn't let you turn away and kept readjusting you since they needed to watch your coloring and monitor your breathing. I was so impressed with your neck and head control! It reminded me of Banner with how strong he was immediately after birth. You were no different. We snuggled for a bit, we noticed your left dimple on your cheek, your very dark and thick hair, and a tiny tear falling from your left eye (which I knew probably meant you had a clogged tear duct, just based on my experience with Quinn), and then they took you back to the warmer for more measuring and monitoring, and then after the doctors had sewn me up and transferred me off of the operating table to a bed, I got to hold you again - after Daddy had a turn of course! We were wheeled to the recovery room, where Daddy and I would just stare at you - in awe and complete love. You latched right away, you were a hungry boy! I was so glad I was able to at least give you that bowl of cereal in the middle of the night, but the nurses kept saying that you probably were "in the middle of a meal when the doctors interrupted it!" They laughed about how you would have probably latched to the wall at that point - you were so hungry. You even found your thumb to suck for a while.

You weighed 7 pounds, 15 ounces (just one ounce more than Quinn at birth). You were 20.5 inches long - a half inch bigger than both of your older brothers. Your fingernails and toenails were exceptionally long... okay, if I'm being honest, they were freakishly long. I was glad I had brought nail clippers with me to cut them that very day! Daddy and I just examined you and wanted to take you in! We savored that alone time with you - knowing alone time with you would be hard to come by once we were home. I just enjoyed you being so calm, especially because I was so very tired and could barely keep my eyes open during that post-surgery time. My right eye, especially, kept wanting to close and felt heavy. Daddy laughed when I told him I felt like Mr. Paik from his favorite TV show, Lost, who always had an eye that looked half-closed. We continued to soak you in and try to decide who you looked like - Banner or Quinn or anyone else in the family. I saw so many features of both of your brothers - you are, in my opinion, a really great mix of the two. Everyone says how different Banner and Quinn look from each other - and here you are, this blend of the two - especially at birth when Quinn had dark hair just like yours. At one point, Daddy noticed that your feet looked different than Banner & Quinn's. He was all smiles that he finally has a son who doesn't have MY feet - with turned in pinkie toes. I agreed your toes were perfectly straight.... but fast forward 2 days later, and you definitely have my feet. Those little toes decided to take a bit of time to turn, but they did turn. Poor Daddy! Surrounded by a houseful of people with hiding pinkie toes!

After about 2 hours with you in the recovery room, we were moved to our regular hospital room. We were excited for guests to start to arrive. Grandma had gone to pick up Banner & Quinn from school after the OR nurse let her know you and I were both doing well. She napped Quinn, and once he woke up, they headed up to the hospital to meet you as soon as they could. When they arrived, both big boys were so happy to be meeting you. They were quiet and curious. I had my pinkie in your mouth because you were wanting to nurse, but I wanted to wait until they met you, and I wanted to keep you calm. Banner wanted to whisper his name to you to introduce himself - and when he did you opened your eyes. Banner loved that and felt an immediate connection to you because you seemed to know who he was - you knew his voice. Quinn told you his name as well, and he was curious about why you were sleepy, why my finger was in your mouth, why you liked to suck, etc. Then I asked if they wanted to know your name, and when I said "Knox Morgan," they seemed to like it. Quinn was a champ at saying it correctly right away, and since then you've been "Baby Knox" to him. Grandma then got to hold you and show you to the boys so they could see better. Soon, Zaide & BeeBee came, followed closely by Aunt Kira and Levi, Papa, and then Uncle Brock, Aunt Mischelle, Brycen, and Nami. That was a LOT of people in our room, and quite a bit of chaos!

At some point before dinner time, we gave Banner and Quinn a present (from you!), and they gave you a present. Each of you received a "brother" shirt, and then you also received a Ninja Turtle onesie, a Batman onesie, and a Batman teether from the boys as well. Right before the big kids left with Daddy to go home for bath and bed, Cherie & Jed came to the hospital to meet you. It was nice and quiet at that point. When Cherie held you, I said to her, "His name is Knox Morgan, and if you are willing, he's your godson." She and I were both kind of speechless and I was a little emotional, but of course she agreed. Later that night, Big Boss came up to meet you, as well. And, after everyone had gone home and your temperature was right for it, the nurse gave you your first "bath." You loved the water on your head and calmed nicely during that relaxing shampoo!

That night, Daddy gave me a beautiful gift: a heart necklace with three hearts inside of it - to represent my three precious boys. Not only was the necklace beautiful, but he had designed it himself! You have a great Daddy, and I love him very much. The rest of the evening was pretty rough. You wanted to cluster feed, which was very painful for me after a while. You were insatiable. You were a great nurser, but you would get pretty ticked off if you weren't sucking, and by the early hours of the following day, I had decided not to continue nursing. We asked for formula after deciding several things: nursing is still not for me, I was getting angry and frustrated at all the pain I was handling with no relief which wasn't helpful at all - nor did I want my relationship with you to suffer in any way, I had no intention of nursing you for more than a couple months (if that) given all the other issues at home - two big, busy brothers who still need a great deal of my attention, going back to work, recovering from major surgery, etc. So, Daddy and I decided you and I would both be happier with the ease of formula. (The expense of it... quite a different story, but well worth saving the relationship and my sanity!) Within 10 minutes of getting the formula in your belly, you were a lot happier, and we knew we had made the right choice for us. However, every time I held you, you must have smelled me and wanted to keep nursing, so holding you became a challenge when you'd get so upset.

Day 2 officially began with a visit from Dr. B. He noticed a small birthmark on the back of your head, right underneath a patch of hair at the top of your neck. I hadn't noticed it yet, and to be honest, I'm not sure I see it at all! It may have already gone away. We discussed your eye and doing massages to help open the tear duct. We discussed your ears which didn't have much curve to them at the very top, but Dr. B said not to do anything about it... and he was right. As of this writing, one week out from your birth, they have shaped up nicely and are different than they were that first night. All-in-all, you had a great bill of health and were doing great!

Me, on the other hand... well, Day 2 is historically my worst day. This time was no different. Getting out of bed, moving around, showering - it's a lot on a post-surgery body. I hate Day 2. Sore, heavy, burning - it's all part of the deal, and NOTHING feels good. I cried throughout the entire showering process... but once back in bed and settled in some fresh pajamas and loads of help from Grandma and Aunt Kira, and I was calm again. After nap time, Banner & Quinn came up to visit. You gave them some more presents - a basket full of their favorite snacks, some Lego kits, and some Model Magic clay, as well as some sticker pages and Imagine Ink coloring books. They LOVED getting gifts from you; in fact, Quinn still asks for gifts while we are at home, wanting to get more and more stuff! Later that night, Mara and Caden came to meet you. We had a chaotic room once again with all the little kids being noisy and having a blast. You slept through it all; you must have been used to the crazy loudness of this big family! Once they all left, NaNa & Uncle Paul came to meet you.

That night was much better than the first. The nurse weighed you, and you weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces then. Day 3...things got even easier. I was feeling better and better, and we were able to go on more walks around the hallway. When Daddy and Grandma had both left to tend to the big boys, we were alone in our room together. I sang you a few songs with the help of my iPhone, and you seemed to know these songs - songs we had listened to in the car for many weeks and months before. I sang "Never Gonna Let You Down," a song that has somewhat become my song for you and my pregnancy. I also sang some of the lullabies that I sing to Banner & Quinn at night... and you fell asleep while tears streamed down my face as my heart just burst with love and joy for you! When the boys came back up to the hospital, we went on another walk. This time, I noticed my back starting to itch pretty badly. We had been worried about this since I had a severe reaction to the epidural tape and/or wash that was used when Quinn was born. Sure enough, I was getting a red, itchy rash on my back. Luckily, we were able to get on top of it with the right medication pretty quickly this time, and the itching stayed under control. It has, since then, spread to my upper thighs and tummy... so it has to be the wash they use to clean the skin before surgery. What a pain!

Anyway, that third evening, you gave Banner & Quinn some "Talking Tubes" to play with. Unfortunately, those two have a hard time whispering and weren't quite understanding how to use them in a quiet space! Later, Uncle Barry & Aunt Susie came to meet you. And even later in the night, Big Boss & Uncle Tyce came up to see you. When the nursery nurse weighed you, you had gained an ounce from the night before. 7 pounds, 8 ounces became your weight at discharge, since we would be leaving the following day.

Day 4, a Friday morning, began with a visit from Aunt Erin who was making rounds at our hospital - checking on other babies. Dr. E came to check on me as she had the other mornings, and Dr. B came to check on you. At that visit, we discussed possible reflux with you because you seem to be in pain after feedings. We aren't sure if it's gas, more hunger, or reflux. You gulp your bottles, you burp a LOT, and you pull your legs in with a sharp cry from time to time. We are watching it for now, though. The day went very smoothly, and Randi & Ella came up to meet you when they dropped Banner off from school that afternoon. Before long, Grandma & Quinn came up to the hospital again. With all of us there together . . . . it was now time to go home! We took a few pictures of us - you three boys in your brother shirts, and then we headed to the car! You were calm and quiet in the car seat and through the whole car ride home. Quinn, on the other hand, was quite upset about moving out of the hospital where he loved to get snacks and presents each day! Poor guy was quite a mess! When we got home, Banner & Quinn gave you a tour of the house, and then we gave them one last present. As I handed them a tape activity gift "from you," I told them, "This is a gift from Knox to say thank you for showing him around your house and for sharing your house and your things with him." It wasn't any big deal - the gift - but what I was saying made me teary and emotional, just thinking of you finally being here and being a part of our life and our home and our family. The rest of the night kind of went like that - Mommy tearing up at different times, so very full of love and gratitude for how amazing our family is. Bed time was especially rough - just adjusting to change and feeling emotional about this new chapter in our lives. Grandma bathed the boys, I bathed you, we waited on Daddy & Papa to come home from getting Mommy's meds, and then Banner was tearful that evening - glad Mommy was home and wanting me to sing his lullabies - which made me emotional. I just wanted to savor each of you - to wrap you up in my arms, each boy at a time and freeze time with you in that moment. That was a big day for all of us, and I can never quite explain how very full my heart was through it all.

Our weekend was full of settling in, meeting a few new people (Avery, Gretchen, Avi, Ryan, Sari), and getting to know you even more! Grandma has been staying with us, helping us settle in and get acclimated to a house with 3 children under the age of 5 while I'm healing. We could not have done this transition without her, and I don't know how others do it! I especially love that she's getting this bonding time with you - and you with her. We are ALL loving our time bonding with you. We've learned that you hate having your arms swaddled, you love having your forehead rubbed - right between your eyes, you are gulping lots of air and are quite gassy, you have a dimple in each cheek and one in your chin, you like to hold your own bottle and paci, you like the car and car seat (for now), you pretty much panic when searching for the bottle and can't get your mouth around the nipple fast enough, and you give awesome smiles with your eyes! Your eyes just light up at certain times - and we know if you could smile, you would! Your eyes are a deep sea blue right now. They look exactly like Banner & Quinn's eyes did - but I'm betting you'll have brown eyes. We saw Dr. B yesterday afternoon, and we are so grateful that you are still healthy and thriving. You weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces - so you are heading in the right direction, but not back to your birth weight just yet.

Today was your bris, and sweet baby love, it was rough on Mommy. Hearing you scream and barely being able to imagine the pain you were in - and are still perhaps - was so very difficult for me. I cried a little, but I'm glad it's over now, and I hope you have a speedy recovery. Uncle Brock and Big Boss performed the circumcision, and Rabbi R was there to give you your Hebrew name, Chanan Chaim. We will share the meanings of these names at your baby naming in May. The people you are named after were very much on my mind during the ceremony, and I felt that I had them with us today. I miss both of these people greatly, but I'm grateful for the memories I have of them and that they will continue to live on through your name and through you, as they are so much a part of you.

Knox Morgan, I love you so very much. In fact, there isn't a way for me to love you any more. I am so grateful for your health and that you are here with us safely. I'm filled with love as we welcome you to our family, into our home, and into our hearts forever. You are so very loved by so many people who simply want you to be happy, to stay healthy, and to feel the immense love we have for you. One week ago, you made your grand entrance into the world. I watched as you were pulled from your safe haven of my body that we shared for 9 months. I felt your warm skin on mine, and I fell even more in love with you than I ever thought I could. And here we are today, on your due date, and for the past week, I've been on a high from that love - but I want to freeze time and savor your newborn-hood, your tininess, your dependence, that sweet newborn smell and these tender moments together. I want to soak in your brothers' love for you, their admiration for you and how they know nearly every thing you do is a first.

I could go on and on --- I think I have definitely succeeded in doing so -- but it's just so hard to end my very first letter when I want to pour my heart out to you and recall nearly every detail perfectly. What a ride this has been - from pregnancy to meeting you to bringing you home and getting to know you better! Thank you for picking our family, Baby Love.

I love you, Knox Morgan.
Happy first week!
Love,
Mommy