I've had an itty, bitty summer secret that I haven't written about AT ALL until this very day. Although this little secret is still teeny tiny - about 2 to 2 1/2 inches to be exact - it's kind of a big deal! So, without further delay, I am finally shouting to the world:
With my past two pregnancies, I have written in a journal from the very beginning. But, not this time. I need to do that, and I've been keeping notes about what I'd write, but I haven't actually allowed myself to take it all in yet! So, this is my first official writing about Baby #3!
The Plan
Well, there wasn't one. :) When Banner was 13 months old, I developed Rheumatoid Arthritis, which set a path in place for when we needed to try to have more children if we wanted. There were medications that could have greatly helped my pain and stopped my body from crippling itself, but those medications could not have been in my system for several months before even trying to conceive. So, Sam and I decided to try to conceive sooner than later with the the hopes that pregnancy would alleviate symptoms (which happens quite often for women with RA) and that if the symptoms returned after delivery, then I could start taking those medications. THANK GOD, those symptoms never returned, and I was/am in full remission. Yet, as Quinn approached 2-years-old, and I approached 35, we knew we weren't getting any younger. We decided to just "see what happened" and left our family growth in God's hands. We figured nothing would change for several months. We were wrong. We conceived in no time. Well, okay... one time. :)
How I Found Out
I really suspected I was not pregnant. The early part of June, we were traveling to Minnesota, we went to Sea World with the boys, I was busy with getting Banner to camp and entertaining Quinn. I didn't really suspect anything at all. When I was a full week "late," I told Sam I would take a test the next day if I continued to be "late." However, the morning I told Sam that, I took Quinn to a local farm, and while there I kept getting waves of nausea. I attributed it to the June heat, but it just kept hitting me and annoying me. So, I decided to go ahead and test to put my mind at ease. The digital test flashed "pregnant" at me pretty soon - but the little timer kept flashing too, so I thought maybe it wasn't totally done and the word "not" was going to pop up before 3 minutes was up. That didn't happen. Instead, a "3+" popped up when the flashing stopped. I had forgotten this test told me how far along I was predicted to be: 3+ weeks post ovulation. I was at least 5 weeks pregnant.
How I Told Sam
I called Sam immediately, mostly to see if he was available to meet for lunch. But, he already had plans, so I had to be patient and wait to tell him until the end of the day; I didn't want to tell him over the phone! When he came home, he kissed the boys and me hello. I was busy cooking dinner, but I watched him greet the kids to see if he "noticed" anything. He didn't. He walked back towards our room to change clothes, when all of a sudden I heard his footsteps back on the playroom floor. I headed back from the kitchen to see his expression. "Wait. Why is Quinn wearing this shirt?!" I just looked at him and smiled. Quinn was wearing Banner's "Big Brother" shirt, and Sam was putting it all together. He was all smiles as I nodded, and he said, "No way! No way! It was one time!!" We hugged for a minute, and then I showed him the positive pregnancy test.
What the Doctor Said
I had a 7-week sonogram and doctor visit a couple weeks later. I was very anxious for this appointment and couldn't believe there was really "something there" when we got to see our baby for the first time with a flickering heart beat! Sam and I were both still shocked at how quickly this all happened! I was measuring 7 weeks and 2 days, the baby's heart rate was 156, they could tell I ovulated from my right ovary, and the yolk sack measured 3.5 mm... a question I had asked the sonographer because, well... I know too much. In fact, she told Sam she'd never had a patient ask her that, but I had heard from a previous doctor that the measurement of the yolk sack is a great indicator of the pregnancy's success. I need to know these things with my EPA: Early Pregnancy Anxiety! I was also given a due date at that appointment: February 23, 2016, although since I will have a repeat C-section, this baby won't be born later than a week before that date.
My doctor also discussed a blood test I would have at 10-weeks pregnant that would detect (with 99% accuracy) certain chromosomal abnormalities, and we could have the sex of our baby revealed with the results of that blood work. I was a nervous wreck until that blood test. I prayed (and still pray) several times a day that this baby is healthy. When the nurse called with results, I had accidentally left my cell phone at home when I went to pick Banner up from camp. It probably worked out better that way, since my heart would have been racing to see the number pop up on my phone! When I got home, there was a message waiting. The nurse told me that everything came back perfect! I was so relieved to hear that news, so so relieved. She went on to tell me to hang up if I didn't want to know the sex of the baby. She stalled, she waited, she gave me a chance to stop listening to the message. And finally, she said, "You're having a healthy baby boy!" I was in shock. Three for three! What are our odds?! I had hoped and prayed for a healthy baby, and I was so relieved to get the news I got, but I had also hoped and prayed for a baby girl. Our family needs a girl! I had envisioned my boys with a little sister. There are SO many reasons why numerous people in this extended family should have a girl baby already! But, that was not in our control, and I just called Sam and asked if he wanted to know the details. He, of course, was also more concerned about the health of the baby, he didn't really care if it were a boy or girl (although we both really wanted a girl if we had to pick). When I asked him to guess, he guessed girl, and when I told him no, he was completely shocked. "Are you serious!?" "Yep!" And we were like giddy kids just laughing at ourselves with 3 boys. We chatted for a few more minutes, and then he had to get back to work. We are still in shock. ;) Mostly because we have to come up with another NAME!
We had a 12-week sonogram last week. At that time, Baby's heart rate was 164, and he was measuring a week ahead. He was moving all over the place, and Banner and Quinn got to be there to see him! He waved to them a couple times and did a couple "ninja" poses for them. The big brothers weren't quite sure what they were looking at, but it was pretty neat for them to see!
How We Spread the News
My goal was to keep this pregnancy a secret until I was 12 weeks. But, I couldn't do it. I told my mom 2 days after I took the pregnancy test. She had come over to babysit for us while Sam took me out for my birthday date. When we got home, we were talking about the gift he had given me/us - a "gift certificate" for a housekeeper. I told Mom it would really be helpful to have someone help me keep the house clean "while I'm growing our third child." She was ecstatic - hugged me and Sam with tears in her eyes. I told my sister the following day, asking her if it would be okay if Levi's cousin had a birthday close to his. I needed these two ladies to know - and Sam knew I needed them to know. And, in hindsight, I'm so relieved I told them early on because this pregnancy has kicked my ass. These early weeks have been trying - the heat is exhausting, these boys keep me on my toes with little time to rest, and I NEVER want to think about food or eating or trying to cook for anyone! Mom and Kira have really been a huge help this summer... and of course, Sam.
Everyone else has found out at different times. I told my dad at 7 weeks, right after we saw a heartbeat. I told my brother at 10 and a half weeks when his kids weren't around and I had his full attention. I told Robyn at 7 weeks when we were alone (meaning the kids had gone off to play) at the GFC reunion in the middle of a Shabbat service. I told a couple other people here and there, but we shared with the whole family after the blood work came back okay. Everyone's been super shocked - and we can't tell if it's because we're having a third child or if it's because we're having a third boy. In fact, we told Banner we were pregnant right before we shared with the whole family. I have a little fetal Doppler, and we let him listen to the baby's heartbeat. We explained that it wasn't Mommy's heartbeat but a little baby inside Mommy. Then, we asked him if he thought it was a boy baby or a girl baby. He said, "Boy baby." When we said, "YES! You're right!!" he lit up from ear to ear with a huge smile. We couldn't tell if he was excited that it was a boy or that he was right!
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| Sam and I think the caption on this should say, "They thought they might have a girl!" |
How I'm Feeling
Like I said before, this pregnancy has been a beating. I'm tired, I'm very nauseous, and clothes have started to be uncomfortable long before they did with my past pregnancies. I'm not "showing," but I have felt very bloated, despite losing a few pounds these first few weeks. Reflux and indigestion made an early debut, and since relief from Tums only lasts so long, I'm already on a prescription med to help control it. I hate eating but know I need to do it. Cheese is my go-to - it usually satisfies my wicked hunger without making me want to puke. Ice cream helps the reflux, which is great - but it's not even really a craving. I wish I had cravings. I'm sick of feeling hungry when nothing sounds good to eat. I've also been very anxious about sharing this news with everyone because I'm just now heading back to work. I had been dreading telling my principals and my colleagues who might think poorly of me for starting a new position as a pregnant person. But, they handled it perfectly. Both principals have been extremely supportive and excited for my family. I am so very lucky to be working where I am going to be working this year! BUT, that didn't take away from the anxiety I felt all summer about how and when to tell them!
On Boys
When Sam and I were dating, we imagined our lives with kids. Specifically, we had named 3 daughters and a son. We BOTH wanted girls. When we found out Banner was a boy - after thinking for about 8 weeks that he was a girl based on an early prediction by our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor - we were both in shock and somewhat sad about the little girl we had bonded with. With Quinn, we knew he was a boy very early on (same prediction test, but this time we saw more clearly what we were looking for, and a blood test confirmed his sex at about 12 weeks). We were hoping for a girl - you know, "one of each," but we were not as "sad" this time because we never really bonded with what we thought was a girl baby. With this baby, we were hoping for a girl again, but we know we don't get to choose. We know that parenthood is all about surprises, and we knew with age, that a healthy baby was the primary goal! We weren't "trying for a girl," we were trying for a baby - and hopefully, a healthy one.
I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't slightly sad when I heard the nurse say, "boy." And, this blog is all about being honest and having a voice that others might identify with. So, let me tell it like it is. I cried that night - for about 5 minutes to my mom. I cried the next day when I talked to her in person - for about a minute. I felt guilty for crying because who am I to cry about a healthy blessing!?!! But, in talking to my mom, I realized the reason I was sad is because I very well may never have a daughter. One day my mother-daughter relationship with my own mother will end, and I wanted to have that legacy with my own daughter. I want to be the mother of a girl - to experience all of it. I know what it's like to be a mother of a boy, but what about a girl? My sister always says if anyone was meant to have a daughter, it's me - that she always imagined me to be the mother of a little girl. I agree. I was meant to have a daughter - to be sure she never wore one of those hideously large bows too big for her head, to never dress her in frilly, lacy get-ups that she couldn't possibly be comfortable to nap in... oops, I'm getting off topic.
But, never once did I resent this baby boy growing inside me. Never once have I been upset at HIM! In fact, I really don't know what it's like to be the mother of "boys." I know what it's like to be the mother of Banner and of Quinn. And, I'll learn what it's like to be THIS little dude's mother. And, when I watch my little boys playing together, oh my GOD... they have my heart. And they are "everything I never knew I always wanted!"
So, when people want to know if we will be trying for a girl - a 4th baby! - I don't know that I can do pregnancy again. I think we may be "done." I won't commit to that just yet, but I'm pretty sure. We are so blessed with our babies - each of them unique and different and separate from each other - not just "another boy." So many well-meaning people, some of my closest friends, in fact, have been excited for us, but their next question after knowing this baby is a boy is: "You okay?" I know why they are asking, but to be honest, that question hits hard. Can you imagine asking a mom of girl who is having a boy, "You okay?" Would anyone ask a pregnant mom of a boy and a girl, "Are you okay?" when she finds out she's having another boy - or another girl? Sounds silly, right? Or, how about the comments about how I "will have my hands full with three boys!" I'll have my hands full with three KIDS, regardless of their sex. But, you know what? You should see my heart! Now THAT is full!
Man, we do boys well! I love my SONshines (thank you, Julie!), and how amazing they are. And, when I look at Banner and at Quinn, my heart bursts with love and admiration for them. And, OH MY GOD...THANK GOD, I get to experience this with another baby of mine!
