InTENSE

I swear my shoulders have been tight since recovering from my C-section. I remember being in the hospital and asking my mom and/or Sam to rub my shoulders, feeling like my shoulders were rocks. I know that the intense soreness at that point was due to post-surgery issues, but I don't think I've let them relax since that June day. While I'm not in any pain, I'm not enjoying the tense feeling I constantly have since Banner came into my life. That sounds awful, as if my baby has caused me to hate my new tenseness, and I hope you know I fully understand that this feeling is certainly not his fault, and if I have to live my life with a stressed out body while reaping the benefits of the joy my son brings me, then so be it! I don't want to come across as if I'm complaining about my precious boy - the extreme bright light of my life! But, this parenting thing has caused more stress than I could have ever imagined, and it is not subsiding!

I have to remind myself many times throughout the day to drop my shoulders. I have to tell myself, even when falling asleep, to relax my face and to let my body relax into the mattress. Stop squinting, stop clenching my jaw, stop holding my shoulders up, let my head fall limp. I have never wanted a massage so badly in my life.

I've been reading a few parenting books and blogs that help me know I'm certainly not alone in this new world I've entered. Of course I knew parenting was hard; I'm not completely stupid, naive, or ignorant. I just didn't know to what extent. My favorite blog right now is Dooce.com, specifically previous posts from when her daughter was born (2004). My favorite book is Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay by Stephanie Wilder-Taylor. Both of these authors write about their adventures with motherhood and how it's such a tough adjustment. I find myself reading their words with a complete sense of understanding, while at the same time feeling like someone else understands me - took the words right out of my mouth! So many of MY readers say that my blog does that for them, but maybe I needed that... to read someone else's words and feel like I'm not completely crazy for thinking, feeling, behaving, analyzing the way I do!

There's something so powerful about knowing you are not alone in a crazy new world. And, it really helps to talk to women who are going through this change, this adjustment NOW. God bless play dates! So many "seasoned" mothers want to give me their advice (when I really don't need any), or tell me "this too shall pass" or that "it gets easier," when I'm not complaining, I'm not upset, I'm not needing it to pass. I just need understanding. That's it. I just need to know that this new constant stress, this feeling of guilt, this nagging feeling of a constant to-do list, this lack of control, this lack of sleep, this worry and anxiety, this curiosity about when I'll ever relax again... that all of it will be understood and appreciated by someone else going through it.

It helps to laugh about it, and that's what these other women have given me. It IS funny. It's hilarious that we all feel the same way about our new lives, even though it's a dreadful adjustment. We just need to relax every now and again with people who "get" it.

We also need a few moments to just get away - even for a small amount of time. The past two mornings Sam took Banner to my mom's before work (typically, I'm the one to drop Banner off). What a treat! While I hated to not be the one to drop him off (and this was accompanied by some feelings of guilt!), I blared that music and sang so loud and felt my shoulders drop as I danced like a crazy lady on the way to work! I had some ME time for 15 minutes, and it was amazing! I didn't have to worry about getting Banner out of the car or if I had all of his things or if I was too loud or if I was boring him or....anything! It was just me, like old times, and it ROCKED! In fact, my friend at work told me I seemed way more relaxed and happy this morning. I was.

Please don't misunderstand, people. I missed my boy like crazy, but it was nice to have me to myself again! I guess I didn't realize just how much I missed myself. I thought, as I was almost in tears from getting my old energy back, that I can be a better, more fun, more relaxed mommy if I just had a few moments to myself every now and then - when someone else is in charge of Banner for a few moments, when I can do what I want (which does not include work, running errands, or chores around the house).

Being responsible for someone else's safety, health, nutrition, learning, care, development, hygiene, etc... it's overwhelming. No wonder I'm tense. I don't blame myself, and I wouldn't want it any other way - to have my little man and all his sweetness he brings to my life. I just want to be a great mom to him, and I don't want to lose myself in the stress. I can't be all that I can be without ME! Does that make sense? This life IS stressful. It is SO worth it, though. And, I'm just going to have to learn ways to take care of myself so that I can be the best mom I can be. So, I'm going to go enjoy some pizza with Sam now - pray Banner sleeps straight through the night until 7:00am, and remind myself to keep my shoulders down.

For more on a related topic (lack of sleep) take a look at this post. I love this woman!

Eight is Great!

Eight months old, and we have less of an infant and more of a little boy! Banner is ALL OVER THE PLACE! He is one mobile little kid, and he has mastered so many new skills. Only a couple days after my last update, Banner became a speed crawler! Put him down, and he's literally right behind you, keeping up with even his Daddy's strides. "Be careful," is a commonly heard phrase in our house, not only to Banner but to Sam and me, as we remind each other how vulnerable Banner is now - to being stepped on, to picking up any random piece of dirt or misplaced unsafe item, to slipping on hard floors, and to any number of other accidents as he's crawling, pulling up, and cruising around... yes, cruising around! He's pulling up on anything and everything - coffee table, my legs, bookshelves, crib, toy organizer/rack, outer side of the Exersaucer (one of the more potentially dangerous items as it pivots when he uses it for leverage), the bathtub ledge, walls, chairs, couches, and (his favorite) boxes. In the past week or so, his favorite thing to do is to drop an item while he stands propped up then lean down to grab it without falling. He's mastered "taking a knee" and "lunging," and he's starting to climb up on whatever is around.

Although we are baby-proofed, we're only as safe as Sam and I remember to keep things. No more leaving our beverages out on the coffee table, no more forgetting to put the nail clippers away, no more dropping a morsel of food and waiting to pick it up later, no more trusting that bottom shelf items will be kept safe from Banner's hands or that he'll be safe from whatever danger they may bring to him, no more leaving the dishwasher unlocked or slightly open.... it's exhausting! :) I knew it was coming, just didn't think it would get here so quickly. He was mobile before he was 7 months, and by his 7-month birthday, he was a true crawler. Within a week after crawling, he was pulling up on whatever he crawled to. I'm really proud of him, but I kind of miss that sitting stage... or at least my control-freak, worried part of me does! Since Banner's been on the move, he's really learning what it feels like to bump his head - sometimes on purpose, but more often on accident. He's even had a bloody nose when he slipped and his nose met the kitchen floor. (Scarier for me than for him, I'm sure!) But, he's been a trooper, and he's a fast learner... now he falls more gracefully, and I see him attempting to catch himself or brace himself or even protect himself better now.

In other news, he's waving "bye-bye" and sometimes "hello." He's babbling more - lots of "dadada," "bababa," "yayaya," and "mamama." We've heard a few "na" and "ka" sounds but not often. He's giving kisses when we're especially lucky!! (MY FAVORITE!!) He's making all kinds of "raspberry" sounds and experimenting with his lips, mouth, and vocal chords, and yes, he's still growling on a daily basis. He's napping much better these days, and he's sleeping 11-12 hours with 0-1 interruptions per night. He's gotten very good at putting himself to sleep. Because Banner napped well for Grandma before he did for Sam and me, I've copied her routine, and now he's so much more successful at napping when in his crib at home. Thank you, Grandma!!!

Speaking of Grandma, (this really could be an entirely separate post on its own!) Banner is in great hands each work day when he's with her. He is really thriving there, and if I have to be at work and not with my baby, I'm so thankful/grateful/appreciative/blessed that he gets to spend his days with her. Each workday, we back out of the garage and call Grandma to let her know we are on our way. Then, when we walk in to her house, Banner is all smiles. He loves the songs she sings to him and the places she takes him. She does fun things with him (like playing outside or having picnics) and teaches him new tricks (like somersaults!) and she often tells him about Bubbie before naptime. (In fact, Banner typically falls asleep to the same song each nap time - to the song Grandma calls "Bubbie's Song" which is really "Somewhere Out There.") Thank you, Mom, for everything you are doing to help keep my baby boy so happy, so healthy, so smart, so safe, and so loved!!

Physically, Banner is growing taller and leaner. He's probably around 20 pounds, but that's a guess based on our recent clothed weighings on our scale that only measures in half pounds. His hair is getting longer and becoming wavy/curly. It also seems to be getting lighter. His eyes are still a beautiful blue and are lined with long curled eyelashes. He still has no teeth, but we are checking for his bottom left tooth on a daily basis as the mound of gum there continues to show signs that a tooth is SO close to making an appearance. Every day I feel like a kid on Christmas morning, looking to see if Santa came. I've been so giddy with excitement waiting for that pearly white to pop up, but still nothing.

Our schedule is still pretty much the same: Banner wakes up between 6 and 7am, has a bottle, Prevacid, and oatmeal. He's up for about 2 hours, and then he'll sleep usually between 1-2 hours. He has another bottle around 11 (or 10 if he got up much earlier than 7). He'll usually nap again in the early afternoon, and he'll have another bottle between 2-3pm. He may or may not take another short nap in the late afternoon, and dinner is served (usually barley or rice and a fruit and veggie) around 5:30. Bedtime routine starts no later than 6:45 with a relaxing bath, and Sam gives Banner his fourth bottle around 7:00. He's mostly drinking about 7 ounces in each bottle - sometimes less these days. He'd MUCH rather eat the solids or finger foods - bagels are a favorite.

Many of the things I once said about my newborn are true about my little boy today. Banner loves music, he loves deep hugs, and he's extremely strong. He still loves to eat, although not as ravenously as he did with those early bottles. At this point, every food we've offered (including peas, now) has been well received. Banner also continues to meet milestones on his own terms, when he's ready, with little probing from anyone. While we all (Sam, me, and Grandma) encourage the new skills, no one is pushing him to reach them, and he rarely stays in one developmental stage for long - once he's mastered a skill, he's already working on the next one! Sometimes I want to just tell him, "Banner, slow down! Just enjoy sitting/crawling/rolling over/whatever! There's no rush, no hurry! Just enjoy being a baby!"

Each day, I love my sweet angel more and more... hard to believe that I could love him any more, but I fall more and more in love with the person he is becoming and who I'm getting to know better each day! I really LIKE this kid, too! He's got a great personality, such a fun sense of humor, and is so affectionate. He's smart, quick, and strong. He's so loveable! He's got the most gorgeous eyes, and his smile brightens everything inside of me! I still tear-up as I say goodnight to him - almost nightly - because I am so happy, so in love, so proud, and so in awe of my boy. It's an overwhelming feeling that brings me to tears, that makes me love my husband even more, that makes me believe in God even more, and that makes me deeply grateful for every single day of the past 8 months!

Happy 8 Months, Banner Boone!

I thank God everyday that I get to be your Mama!

I love you!

Losing it!

Yes, I know my past few blog posts have been about losing something, but this one takes the cake. Losing control, losing track, and now losing IT.

Imagine this: I'm walking down the hallway of my school. I have just come back inside from helping with a student at recess. I have my lunch in my hand, as well as my office keys dangling from my wrist, while I'm walking towards the teachers' lounge to eat. I'm texting my principal to give her an update about another student, and all of a sudden, I panic. I feel my pocket for my cell phone, and it's not there! I cannot find it. Where the heck is it?! Where could I have left it?! Maybe it's in the other pocket. No! It's not there either!! My mind races as I quickly try to retrace my steps of the past 10 minutes or so because I KNOW I had my phone! But, now where is it?!

That's when it hits me. I'm texting my principal, STARING at my PHONE!!

I'm losing my mind.