What's On Your Plate?

As you may remember, about a month ago, I wrote a post about stress and a professional development class I took about taking care of yourself. If you don't remember, go back and read it, because this posting is all about one of the ideas from the class. The idea I'm referring to is the "What's On Your Plate?" activity. After the class, and after our honeymoon, I went to Container Store to buy 2 dry erase boards for us to use for this ongoing activity. My motivation for using them was so that Sam and I will always know what is on each others' minds that we feel responsible for or worried about.

So, here's how this worked when we sat down to use the boards: I wrote what I needed to complete/work-on in the next few weeks and what I wanted to get accomplished. Maybe I used it more as a "to-do" list instead. My list really wasn't that long compared to what I had originally written in the professional development class back in June when the question was: What are you responsible for? Sam took his board into the bedroom and sat on the bed for a long time. I really didn't know what he was working on, but when he said, "Okay, I think I'm done with mine," I turned around and noticed what he was doing. He turned his board towards me, and I was shocked that it was covered with black dry erase marker. "Wow! That's a lot!" I said. Then, I asked him to tell me about each word/phrase that he had written in a collage format around the board. He said he didn't know where to start, so I just pointed to one word at a time and he would explain why he had written that.

Sam had written anything and everything from "pay the bills" to "clean out the garage" to "Amber." There are a few items on his list that I'd rather not post, as they were pretty private, confidential things that only he should talk about, but what I loved from this activity was that I could really get to hear what was on his mind. We just sat there together, no TV, no interruptions...just down-to-earth, good-old conversation! It was really one of the most intimate, sacred talks we had ever had - both of us in tears over some of the items he had listed. Some of the items brought back pain from his accident; some of them were just silly, but it got us talking - I mean, REALLY talking! I've always thought our #1 strength as a couple is our ability to communicate and talk things out - I sometimes think I tell Sam too much! But, this opened a whole new level of understanding, especially because it gave Sam a platform to discuss his thoughts and feelings, which (typical for most men, I think) often go unspoken. As we talked each word/phrase out, I said to him, "Isn't this nice for me to know what you're thinking about each day in the back of your mind?" He said, "I guess I just don't want to stress you out with what's on my mind."

"But, if I don't know, I can't help you. And, if I don't know, then I think you're NOT thinking about the same things I'm thinking about, and therefore, I may nag you or continue to bring up things that you're already stressed about." He finally got it! I explained that if I know he wants to clean the garage, then I know I don't have to bring it up all the time when it's on my mind equally. We can use this plan to take things OFF each others' plates, and we can help manage each others' stresses better. I think the plan is especially helpful for women, who often think that men are stuck in their "nothing boxes," while we are constantly worrying and stressing over every little thing! I can be more sensitive to him and his feelings about those really big issues and things that he's truly concerned about. And, he can see what I'm thinking about, too, without me having to remind him constantly!

So, one item at a time, we made a plan for how we can tackle these stresses and worries! We started with making a plan to clean the garage - and within the week, it got done!!