Oh, We Women of Worry

This past weekend, we celebrated one of my best friends and her fiance at their couple's shower. The bridesmaids and the groomsmen hosted the event, and as one of her matrons-of-honor, I helped coordinate many of the details. One of my assigned tasks was to communicate with the groomsmen who were not very good at responding to the first round of emails that were sent out by my cousin/friend/co-matron-of-honor. I learned that guys don't like to respond to lengthy, detailed emails mostly from just putting myself in their place - but also from talking to Sam about it all. Why were these guys not at least emailing to say, "Let me get back to you," or something else at least acknowledging that they'd received the email(s). Finally, I took the guys' names off of the mass email and talked only to the girls when planning. Then, when I addressed the groomsmen, I wrote about 4 sentences (at most!) to get their attention - just short, to-the-point emails that resulted in a response from all of them! YEA! I had broken the male code that elicited a response from them!

The bridesmaids continued to banter back and forth for weeks with endless details about what needed to be done, what ideas we had, what responsibilities we wanted to take on, etc, etc, etc! Again, all I did to communicate with the men was to tell them what they needed to do, and they obliged and responded positively. What I found so amusing, though, was that about 5 days before the shower, two of the three groomsmen's wives emailed me to ask more specific information to make sure their husbands were not overlooking anything: did we need cups, should they bring ice, how much would they owe for other things, was there a group gift or should they get something on their own, were spouses included as hosts, what were we all wearing, is there anything else they were forgetting or needing to do, etc. I shared these emails with Sam, and he thought it was quite entertaining, too, given the length of the wives' emails and the lack of response from the actual groomsmen.

It occurred to me that the worrying and detail-oriented thinking must truly be a female thing. I mean, really, the groomsmen were in charge, too - not their wives - but their wives were the ones with responsive questions, with the concern about getting the job done, and so on. What is it inside of us as females that think this way - that makes us take on all the stress? That makes us jump in and try to do everything? Why is it that men just don't think this way? That they don't seem to need to control everything or even care if a task gets done or not?

One night, a few weeks ago, Sam and I were discussing some of these male and female tendencies/roles. Our conversation included something about how I had talked to the above-mentioned friend, and how we were venting to each other about how many times we often have to remind our significant others to do this or that. Then, Sam made an interesting comment that, quite honestly, I had wondered myself but never really vocalized for fear of sounding pretty condescending. He, very seriously, said to me, "It makes you wonder how we ever got things done before marrying ya'll." At first I thought he was being sarcastic, so when I laughed it off and became slightly defensive, he said, (again, very seriously) "No, really. It makes me wonder how guys ever did anything right before we marry women that help us with everything." He went on to say that I always remind him of due dates and deadlines that he would have otherwise forgotten, yet he's a big boy and was just fine living on his own before we lived together or got married. We started to talk more about this topic, as we decided that the typical bachelor stereotype holds true: rewearing dirty clothes and not doing laundry, sleeping in sheets that have needed to be cleaned for weeks, not worrying about the dishes in the sink or the vacuuming that needs to be done. When Sam married me, all those old habits had to go out the window. He would tell you he's much cleaner, more sanitary, healthier, and more organized as a married man with a wife who forces these things upon him. I often leave reminder notes, make reminder phone calls, or "calendar" with him every couple weeks to make sure we're on the same page.

I have no desire to be Sam's mother or mother-figure. He has a great mom; he doesn't need another one. But, why do we women always have this need to take care of everything and everyone? There is such a fine line between taking care of and enabling. Wouldn't the groomsmen have gotten the job done without their wives intervening? Wouldn't Sam either pay that bill or pay the consequences? I guess it's just that now, as wives, our husbands' lapses in judgement, mistakes, failures, and forgetfulness both impacts and reflects on us. If Sam missed a deadline in college, it didn't affect me. Now, however, if he forgets to pay a bill or mow the lawn, it affects me. But, if I keep reminding him every time, won't he then rely on the reminders and therefore need them all the time? Or, do I let him be the big boy he once was without my reminders and let him figure it all out? How can I, as a worrying woman, let this go now that we're an "us" and it affects me?

Just to be clear: I am in no way upset about the shower emails, the groomsmen's responses, the wives emails, or anything Sam and I have discussed. I am merely, once again, using this blog site as a means of discussing something that many of my female married friends and I often feel is universal. I think the wives' emails are just one example of how I'm not alone in this worrying/controling/making-sure-my-husband-is-doing-the-right-thing feeling. My only inner struggle is how to integrate the two opposing ways of handling this feeling: taking care of vs. enabling. Any ideas?

By the way, as a somewhat-related aside, the dry erase "What's On Your Plate?" idea I discussed last month is a HIT! It also really helps with the issues at hand in this posting as it provides a way to communicate without nagging or reminding or frustrating anyone. More to come on how this works in my next post!