Journey to the Knot

Dear Banner, Quinn, & Knox,

It's 9:32am, and I am sitting down on the couch after dropping Knox off at preschool for the first time in over a year. Today, all three of you are back in school for face-to-face learning for the final 9-weeks of the 2020-2021 school year. It's quiet in the house, after a whole year of crazy, loud, chaotic-ness. You've all been through an unusual event - the COVID-19 pandemic - that we've all had to learn to navigate together. While a year ago, I was stressed out and uncertain about how long this would affect us, after a couple months, we found our groove and were able to make the most of being locked down for a long time. Everything was cancelled this year: swim lessons, soccer practice and games, Sunday School, Hebrew School, play dates, outings to public places, visiting family, our typical holiday celebrations, birthday parties, restaurant dining, and even a trip to Disneyland you never knew about. But, we made it through - together with flying colors. So much so, that today makes me sad.

Don't get me wrong. I'm totally excited for you all to be back at school - for my own sake and yours. (And even for our house's sake! After a year of you guys hanging out here, learning here, playing and rough-housing here, our house and the items in it have taken a beating!) But, as I close out this chapter of you guys being home all the time, of us being in the house altogether, I'm doing my usual thing - reflecting and reminiscing.

Cuddling while watching Punky Brewster, shaving cream, drive-by birthday parties, WandaVision, two trips to Broken Bow, unlimited screen time, family bike rides, The Goldbergs, learning to tie shoes, Emma, George, Graham, skate park, trampoline, outdoor movies, every holiday, Legos, Fortnite, playing Lego Avengers and Indiana Jones with Knox, Roblox, walkie talkies, kite flying, sidewalk chalk, colored rice, Zoom calls, Google classroom, Chromebooks, staying up late, sleeping in, never wearing shoes or pants, Animal Crossing, making ice cream, baking, read alouds, playing in the "fort thing," awaiting a Biden win and watching the inauguration, discussions about race and equality, learning to ride a bike, The Floor is Lava, swimming at Grandma's or Amanda's, picnics in the parking lot, watching Blown Away, my surprise birthday celebration and a date night you all planned for me with Daddy, Turner Falls, going on hikes . . .

Dad said today after we took Banner and Quinn to school, "It feels like we just walked through a worm hole. It started with spring break 2020 and ended with spring break 2021." It does. It feels like "what the hell just happened?" as we came back from taking you guys to school and reflected on this insane year. Today felt so "normal," but it was also so unusual given the year we just had. As we move away from our lockdown experience, I don't want to forget what an unbelievable year we had - both good and bad. I also feel like it was such a gift that we got one whole year - uninterrupted by plans and events. Was it hard? Yes! Certainly. But it was something we will never get again, and a year I hope you will remember always.

So, why even go back to school at all? Well, it was time. You guys were getting sick of being home, missing friends, academically hitting walls that can't easily be tackled without being in-person, getting aggravated at not being challenged, and frustrated at sitting in front of a screen all day long. I know you will do great and be so glad that you went back to school. I want to wish you an easy school day today. I can't wait to hear all about it! And I hope the next 9 weeks go smoothly for you all.

I love you all so much!
Mom

Dear Knox,

Five.whole.years! The day is here and you are ready for it... but I don't think I am so much. When I look at you, you're my baby, my "little one" as you say (usually in the form of "But I'm the littlest one, so I should get what I want," oy vey!). You're my youngest, so when you age - the days of having babies is so much farther behind me. That makes me sad. At the same time, I love watching you grow and change and become the YOU you are meant to be. You're very much becoming more and more mature and so suddenly it seems. Here's a few things you're up to at 5!!

-You've recently learned to zip your own jackets; you've grown a desire to have things cleaned up around you and you have been cleaning your room and even your brothers' rooms before bedtime; you're getting better at brushing your own teeth and wiping your own tush; and you're telling us a lot that you're "not a baby!"; you rarely, if ever, call me Mommy. :(

-You're learning to read. You are fully capable but don't enjoy it, roll your eyes at me when I ask you to work with me on sight words, and if you're really not in the mood, you'll just guess randomly at the words so I'll leave you alone. But, you know exactly how to sound out words and get it right when you really try. This whole thing drives me crazy, so I have backed off, but you just don't realize how smart you really are and how great you're doing.

-You love to make words rhyme. "Tree, bee - they both say -ee! Grow, Flow . . . they both say "oh." Pretty sure Emma taught you this.

-She's been your teacher all year this year, and it's worked out so very well for you. She's your best friend these days it seems - you want to call her when she's not at our house, want to share something with her or tell her something special. You've been learning at home all year during this COVID-19 pandemic. It's been so great for you academically, but socially I know you're really missing your friends and play time at school. Our plan is for you to go back to Anshai after spring break. We haven't told you this yet, but I think you'll be thrilled. Of course, you'll definitely miss Emma and even her "activities" that you usually roll your eyes about having to do. "Emma, do we have to do activities today?" or "How many more activities do we have to do!?" What you don't understand is that Emma is doing all these fun things with you that you'd be doing at school anyway - but doing them with friends and classmates might make you feel differently and like them more. I will be sad when your days at home learning are over, but I'm also excited for you to get out of the house more and back in a somewhat "normal" setting.

-Some of my favorite words you still say incorrectly: psgetti, breakfrast, fidured (as in "we fidured out the problem and solved it"), syndol (symbol), aminal, and my all time favorite: Haleyulah! You will go around singing "Hahhhh-leyulah, Hahhh-leyulah, Hahhhh--leyulah!" and you are so very passionate and dedicated as you sing it, it kinda cracks me up.

-You are so very loud! You continue to have two volumes: off and loud. And when you are not asleep, you are constantly moving, talking, playing, just going - like a motor that won't turn off.

-Some of my favorite things I laugh about and want to always remember:

*Dad was leaving for work, and you said, "If Dad isn't here, who's going to say 'God Dammit!?'"

*When you get in the bathtub, you look at your penis and cover it up saying, "It's okay, I'll protect you!"

*You'll ask for a kiss for a dollar and then afterward wink as you say, "Here's your change!"

-The past several months have given rise to an Oedipus complex the likes of which I've never seen. You are obsessed with hitting, punching, kicking Dad and wanting to snuggle, cuddle, love on me. I absolutely LOVE your cuddles, kisses, your "I love you" sign you want to show all the time, the "stuck" kisses, tons of hugs and love you share with me, but I really wish you'd stop attacking your dad! You will just go up to him and punch him in the gut, and we've had to really work on this.

-Nearly every night, you find your way to our bed and climb in to cuddle with me. You've thought for a while now that this is what I've wanted you to do, and I learned that when we tried to start a sticker chart for you. One of the goals was to stay in your bed all night, and you said, "But then you'll be upset that I didn't come cuddle with you." Dad and I looked at each other understanding that you think this is what WE want. Um, no. We want you to stay in your bed all night. You're so sneaky and stealthy about it. We don't even know you're there, and then I'll wake up with you there and you'll snuggle closer to me. Now that part I enjoy, but this is something I've tried to tell you we can do in the mornings and not have to get out of bed in the night. But you tell us you are scared and want someone with you.

-In fact, you really don't want to go anywhere without someone with you - the bathroom, the laundry room, upstairs, falling asleep at night (you want one of us to sit in the hallway outside your bedroom), even across the room from us sometimes. "I'm scared!" you'll tell us. "I need someone to come with me!" But you are just fine, and we are trying to remind you of that. I'm annoyed by this, but I'm not concerned. Your brothers went through the same stage. (Okay, to be honest, only one of them came out of this successfully, but I have faith that you'll pull through!)

-You are one silly little guy. You love a good laugh or anything that will get others to laugh. You continue to strike a pose whenever we're trying to take your picture. You like to be silly at dinner to get a laugh from your brothers.

-Your eating habits are absolutely horrible. You stick to the same few foods and make us beg you nightly to try what's on your plate. You usually spit out or gag on whatever we ask you to eat. I can list pretty much all of the foods you'll eat in one short paragraph here: pretzels, mini muffins, M&M yogurt, cheese sticks (but they have to be the Paw Patrol ones), Cheeze Its, bagels, French toast bread (Pepperidge Farm), apple juice, Capri Sun, chicken nuggets, chicken patties, dry cereal, grapes, apples, bananas (only if covered in chocolate syrup usually), Milanos, grilled cheese, cheese pizza (but you're very picky about which restaurants you'll eat it from), waffles, strawberries, chocolate ice cream (not vanilla!), Pringles, Booty, Fruit Roll Ups, lollipops, chocolate, Cheetos, and finally you will eat PBJ sandwiches. Fries and most chicken have to have ketchup. And even if you like these foods, you won't eat much at all.

-In addition to some of these foods, you absolutely LOVE: taking baths (especially color baths), screen time, racing us in the house, being chased, getting tickled, playing Lego Avengers or Lego Indiana Jones with me or Dad on the Xbox, cuddling, building with Legos, play fighting, hiding in boxes, trying to scare us by hiding - especially between the ottoman and the couch (you call it the couch hallway - which is also where you love to build forts and watch or play with the iPad), copying/mimicking people; What Does the Fox Say?, Megalovania, and Curious George books. Take a look at your "I Believe" for more favorites!

-You continue to stroke your upper lip with an index finger when you're feeling shy, overwhelmed, or pensive.

-You have the funniest facial expressions and the most fun gestures. You'll sign the "I'm watching you" signal with your two fingers aimed at your eyes then towards me. You say things like, "Not to brag, but-uh..." and then say something totally unrelated.

-When you feel, you feel big. You are quite dramatic, saying things like, "My eye! I can't see. Now I'll NEVER see again! I won't ever see anything!" or when you're feeling lonely, "No one wants to play with me. I'll never have anyone to play with ever again!" or when something frustrating happens, "This is the worst day of my life!"

-You have creative questions more and more. You ask often about death, when we might die or why we have to die; you ask about God like, "Does God die when we die?" "If God made us, who made God?"; you point out ironies like, "Hey, she just said 'never,' and she said, 'Never say never!'" and "We haven't seen all the Lego Masters episodes... because we haven't seen the ones in the future!"

Another one of your favorite things this year was going to Broken Bow in November. You kept asking when we could go back, and since Dad and I loved it just as much as you did, we were eager to plan another trip back. With no school on February 15th or 16th, we thought Presidents Day weekend would be a great time to plan that get-away, and hey, since that was your birthday weekend, we knew it would be a perfect place to celebrate you!

The irony of the situation was that we were leaving town with a horrible winter storm in the forecast. We decided to push forward with our plan anyway - leaving town on Friday, February 12th, spending Levi's birthday, Valentine's Day, your last day as a four-year-old, and the first part of your birthday in Broken Bow. I'll blog about our awesome trip in another post, but just know that it was such a great trip and we made lots of new memories! On Saturday, it began snowing, and Valentine's Day, we woke up to a beautiful winter wonderland in the woods. Snow covered the entire area, and you guys were having a blast in it! The temperatures plummeted, too - reaching record lows we haven't ever experienced. We were lucky that by Monday when so many of our neighbors, friends, and family members were out of power and heat, we were doing just fine in Broken Bow. We read your I Believe Monday night, you slept with both of your brothers in the bottom bunk (leaving three other perfectly good mattresses empty), and by Tuesday morning we were out of power. It got pretty cold in our cabin, but we were okay while we packed up to leave the cabin as planned on your birthday.

Unfortunately, we didn't get donuts like we traditionally do, but after a "Happy Birthday" balloon serenade, you got to blow out a candle in the middle of your dry Froot Loops. We had a 4 hour drive home, which wasn't ideal for your birthday, but given the road conditions, we made better time than I thought we would. When we arrived home, Grandma, Aunt Kira, Uncle Erick, Levi, and Damon were here to greet us. They'd been staying at our house since they didn't have power at theirs. It was pretty nice being able to have them here to be with you on your birthday. After a McDonald's birthday, we sang "Happy Birthday" again and you blew out your candles on your Flash cake (which I'm glad we had preordered!), we watched the VidHug that friends and family helped me surprise you with, and not surprising, you got your wish of sleeping in our bed later in the night.

Knox Morgan, one of my favorite things about you has always been your tiny hands. You have little fingers, little hands, and they still very much remain baby-ish in my mind. I know they won't stay that way for long, but I'm still embracing every chance I get to hold them in mine. As I close this blog post, knowing it's the last in a first volume of a blog book series I'll create for you, I'm saddened to end what feels like a "chapter" in your life. Your preschool years are ending, PreK Celebration will finalize that at the end of this crazy, unprecedented school year. You are going to Kindergarten next year, and you will continue to mature and grow and learn and experience! And while I can't wait for all those things, I also savor every last drop of you, and sometimes you represent the babyhoods of all my children. Having you, my youngest, get older can hurt and be painful for me. That is NEVER about you. It's about me mourning this stage in my life when my children are young and little.

Knoxy, you are such a joy to have as a son. It's not always easy being your mom, as you are always, always ON until you're asleep, but it is so easy to love you. You are funny, wise, silly, creative, inquisitive, and caring. You feel deeply, and you love fiercely. You may be loud, wild, busy, and untamable at times, but you are such a good human. I adore holding you, cuddling with you, knowing that I'm one of the people blessed to be an object of your affection. I love getting to love you back wholeheartedly.

Happy 5th Birthday, Baby Love!
Love,

Mom