Dear Banner,
What? Thirteen!? How did we get here when just yesterday I was bringing you home from the hospital. Those first days feel like yesterday; I can still feel you, smell you, remember you exactly as you were in those early scary, grueling, tender days. And, 13 years have passed by in the proverbial blink! I usually cringe when people say "I can't believe..." or "It goes so fast," or "How did we get here?" But, damn, it's true. We usually hear those things when it pertains to other people - while we're in the thick of raising our kids in the forever-long days, forgetting how fast time flies when you stand back a moment and look at the fleeting years. I know how we got here, and I CAN believe it, and sometimes it doesn't go fast.... but when we stop to just reflect on how far we've come or how very vividly we can remember something, yes, it feels like time is escaping from our fingers that can't hold on no matter how hard we try. Which is why I write these letters to you in the first place - to try to capture you at this very moment, this exact age, tell you what I know about you, what impressions or observations I have about you - because we cannot stop time or stay like this for long. Before I know it, you'll be doing the next thing, and this fragile year of being 13 will be over, just like 12 has passed all too quickly.
So what are you up to these days??
- The highlight of this year was just yesterday! Your bar mitzvah day! You've spent the past 9+ months learning Hebrew (since you certainly didn't learn it at Hebrew school like we had hoped you'd been doing for four years), learning to chant your Torah portion, practicing prayers, understanding and writing about your Torah portion, learning your haftarah, and getting ready to stand as leader and teacher in front of most of your friends and family. You hated practicing at home, although you didn't mind going to tutoring with Haya or Hallie or Rabbi Stern. True to yourself, you did it your own way and in your own time, regardless of how much we all begged you to practice and study. And you did beautifully! I was so very proud watching you throughout your service; I didn't want it to end!
- Your favorite things: rap music, Drake, 21 Savage, Nike anything, gaming, your phone, dumplings, your friends, sports, playing basketball, sleeping in the same room as your brothers, staying up late, drumming, Reese's, Rainbow Siege Six, Crumbl cookies, hibachi, going to the park with your friends (either at the Fish Park or Whispering Springs).
- On the way to your bar mitzvah party, you asked me if we were doing Camp Mommy this year. I wasn't sure if you were asking because you did or didn't want it, so I replied, "Do you want there to be a Camp Mommy this year?" Your answer was heartwarming: "Yes, definitely." I was so pleased to hear this because I really enjoy my one-on-one time with you. I also know that there might come a time when you don't want to spend a week with me, so I am savoring any time you're willing to give me! :)
- Academically, you are doing very well. You still never tell me when you have a test/quiz, and you don't "study" like I think you should to prepare for tests, but I think you're learning how you learn best. I also think you had a math teacher this year who helped you (and all the other students) "cheat" their way to A's in the class by helping you and guiding you on tests. Unfortunately, we got some confirmation of that from everyone's STAAR tests when your scores didn't reflect "A" level work. This coming school year, you'll be taking Algebra, a course that will go on your transcript, so I'm hoping you have a better teacher!
- My favorite thing is that you still love to hold my hand. I love this more than I can express.
- I love that you will talk to me and don't seem to feel inhibited when it comes to ANY topic. Sometimes it takes a while for you to do it, but you will talk to me eventually and usually speak openly about anything.
- Your phone is the bane of my existence. I hate that thing with a passion. You are CONSTANTLY asking for new apps. Lately you've wanted Snapchat or TikTok, neither of which we have caved on. You have been sneaky about getting around some of the parental controls, and that has caused Dad and I to seriously rethink our decisions on your phone privileges. I hate the way we see phones sucking time away from kids your age (or anyone, really). But it's also the way of the world and how you are able to maintain a social life. It does have its perks - like being able to keep in touch with various groups of friends (camp, Sunday School, school, cousins) or being able to get in touch with Dad or me immediately.
- You are in the thick of puberty, and you are growing so very quickly. Two weeks before school got out, you were eye-to-eye with me, but by the time school was out, you were starting to look "down" to talk to me! We're basically the same height, but your eyes are slightly above mine now. Your mustache hair is wanting to come in, but we keep "shaving" it with the eyebrow shaver I use. Your voice is definitely dropping. It's been a bit of a challenge as you tried to figure out your pitch when chanting your Torah portion - 8 months ago, you sang in a very different voice than you do now! Hair - all over! Your legs are very manly looking - and that seemed to have happened so fast!
Banner Boone, sometimes I think that you are already so old or that you're aging so fast. But then I say your age out loud. 13. You're still my little boy at 13. Yes, you're a "teenager," and that means you think you're tough shit, but I have to shift my thinking sometimes and remember that you are still just 13 now. Just 13. You are going to make big mistakes. You are going to feel awkward and uncertain. You are going to believe you know right from wrong or know all the answers. You are going to want to ignore me, test me, push me to a breaking point. But, you are still my little one who needs me and Dad to guide you to the next stage. 13 is thinking you're ready for the world, and Angel Baby, you are NOT. And both of us need to remember that. You are just 13. Let yourself be 13. Let me let you be 13. As we take the next steps across this bridge of adolescence, please hold my hand - even when you don't want to. Please don't run from me, and I'll remember to wait for you with patience, understanding, and lots of love.
Happy Birthday, Angel Baby! I love you so very much.
Love,
Mom
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