Journey to the Knot: TEN WHOLE YEARS!! (Quinn's Newsletter)

Dear Quinn,

Two whole hands! Double digits! I can't believe a whole decade has passed since I touched those rosy-pink cheeks, watched you pee all over the OR nurses, and held you for the first time. Just remembering back to those first precious moments make me realize just how much you are still very much the same now. Let me lay it out for you: you snuggled so perfectly with me, like our bodies were meant to shape to each other; you rarely fussed and just wanted to be held; you cooperated while nursing even though it wasn't easy; you were calm and quiet. This is you now - with a little more silly and funny that comes out when you are in your element. You are brilliant and kind and thoughtful. You're affectionate, creative, genuine, passionate, and warm.

Let me tell you what you're up to lately:

You love to talk! You remind me of me (now and as a kid) wanting to share every detail with my mom. I hear about your day, about your learning, about whatever YouTube short you just watched. You have so many words and want to use up every last one of them. I love it! But there are times when I have to stop you so we can move on with the next task. You'll forget to eat or get your shoes on or go brush your teeth when I ask because you are still telling me a story.
You are brilliant! Learning comes very easily for you. You love to learn. You're curious, inquisitive, and eager. You have high hopes of going to Harvard one day. You love to read and never have enough time to do all the things you want to do.
Going to sleep has been a real struggle for you these days. You don't want Dad or me to leave your room. You are scared or worried about pretty big stuff: dying, something "bad" happening, or just being alone. We've noticed that you tend to have anxiety in the fall for whatever reason, so I'm hoping these fears and concerns subside in the coming months - if not sooner. I honestly think a lot of your anxiety comes from too much downtime at school this time of year. You're quick to finish your assignments, you aren't necessarily being challenged just yet, and you have too much time to sit and think. You've come home from school telling me you sat in class worrying about something bad happening. I don't know what really happens; this is just a theory. It breaks my heart, because I don't really know what to do to help you.
You thoroughly enjoyed playing baseball in the spring. You learned quickly and took it very seriously. I loved your enthusiasm and effort you put in. You also joined a basketball team again, and while you liked it, it wasn't your favorite.
One thing that worries me is that you tend to place blame on others rather than owning it when something doesn't go your way. If your team lost, it was because of the "bad ref." If your grade level lost a competition at school, it's because it was "rigged" or the other grade level "cheated." If your teacher got onto you about something, then "she's mean" and "doesn't notice that the other kids were doing it, too." This is called an external locus of control, and it means that you think other people or luck determine what happens to you. This is not true, and you have to start owning it when things don't go as you want. I do believe you have a growth mindset and know that things can be tough; and you're willing to put in hard work and effort. You're willing to fail and try again. But too often you settle on blaming others for poor outcomes. It's definitely something we are working on.
You are just so very sentimental - just like your mama! In December, you told me you want a new menorah for Hanukkah. In the meantime, you wanted to use the one my mom, your Grandma, had given to me in 1994 (when I was 14). You asked if I would leave this menorah to you when I'm no longer here, saying you would pass it on to your children and so on. You started cleaning off the wax from earlier uses, and then you said, "Maybe I should leave it on since it's special."
You had a blast at camp this past summer. It was your first full session at GFC, and you loved Maccabiah, getting to do some archery, going on "raids," and trying white peaches.
You adore your baby cousin, Zavier! You think he's the cutest baby on the planet and love to entertain him when we are with him. You're also the first one to volunteer to play with Tova when she's bored, even if it means giving up some screen time.
We had your appointment with Dr. B., and all is going well! You're a healthy kid! Here are your stats:

Height: 54.75 inches = 65th percentile
Weight: 90 pounds = 88th percentile
BMI: 21.1 = 90th percentile

You have started biting on fingers a little bit. I'm not totally sure if it's a cuticle thing, a nail thing, or just a nervous habit, but it started this year, and it hasn't let up just yet. You've always rubbed a finger across your lips or mustache area when you're anxious or nervous. I can be like this, too. Biting on my lip or not wanting people to see my whole face when I'm feeling uncomfortable.
You are a creative kid. Earlier this year, you put together a whole one-man show for us. It was set to a music playlist you created called "Blue Show." It had a lot of songs from the Sneaky Sasquatch album and some Disney songs. It was very entertaining! Your art is always spot-on, also! You took an art class after school last year, and we were always so impressed. I used to love the days you had art; I couldn't wait to see what you would bring home. Indoor recess also warranted some great art and creative games or books you'd come up with. You also make up your own dances and jokes and are constantly entertaining us with these.
Things that frustrate you - often resulting in the words "Come on!" afterward: that Ms. Swearingen wants you to write in cursive during PACE, when Knox takes things without asking, being reprimanded, that Gravity Falls didn't have a third season, when people interrupt you, when no one in your group listens to your ideas, orange Flintstones gummies (haha!)
Things you love: broccoli, Dr. Pepper, Nerdvana, Prime, Friends episodes, sleeping in our bed or when one of us sleeps with you, your cousins, blue, reading, eating, baking, Legos, slime, Fortnite, Tova, Imagine Dragons, CG5, tchotchkes!

We celebrated your birthday at Activate, a new favorite high-tech immersive gaming venue near our house. You had 14 friends join you and your brothers for fun, pizza, and cake. In addition, I ate lunch with you at school the day before your birthday and at night read your much-anticipated "I Believe," we did our usual donuts, balloons, and chair photos the morning of your birthday, and we had Tokyo Harbor and Menchie's for dinner and dessert. We watched a couple of Friends episodes, and then you got to sleep in our bed at the end of the night.

As we went to bed, I asked you if you had a good birthday. You said you did, but you also said that you didn't want to turn 10, and yet you did want to turn 10. You said it's all going so fast. You're right. Childhood is fleeting, a momentary blip in time. These days are going all too quickly, and I love that you embrace them and recognize how special they are. When we watched our anniversary video earlier this week, you cried at night saying you missed all the fun things we did this year: New York, Broken Bow, camp. You know it goes fast, and you want those special times back. One night, earlier this year, you cried to me saying you just really felt Winnie the Pooh's words: "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." Through your sobs, you said, "It's too much. I can't handle it. It's too bittersweet. I can't handle it." You are well aware of how fortunate you are, and you cry because you are so gracious. You also know that when fun, special times end, you will miss them deeply. It's a bittersweet feeling indeed.

Just the other night, you said your earliest memory was singing at Anshai for Mother's Day. Specifically, it was singing the "Dancing Queen" song. You asked if this is the time you cried on stage. I told you no, that you cried during the Celebration songs. Even from a young age, you knew that your time at preschool was ending, and you were feeling all the big feelings. I love how sentimental you were, but it also broke my heart to see you grieving so hard. It is hard to watch you suffer. It is hard to know what to say or do to help you through those moments. Sometimes I just hold you and let you know it's okay. Sometimes I get frustrated that you're wallowing in something I wish you'd move past. Sometimes I cry with you. No matter what, though, I am proud of you for expressing your feelings and for not being afraid of them. I also know you come by these feelings quite genetically! We are sentimental and emotional, and we find the beauty in the moments, we miss them when they pass, and we want to bring them along with us.

That's how I feel about you turning 10. It happened all too quickly. I want to stop time and keep you little forever, and yet, I wouldn't want to miss what's yet to come. I want to see you get older and see you experience so much more. I'm so grateful to be along with you on this adventure of life!

I love you so much, My Love!

Happiest big birthday to you and SO many more!
Love,

Mom