You're always writing letters to the kids about what they are like at their ages; why not do the same for yourself? It's about time you do for yourself what you do for others, so here it goes. Happy Birthday! You are 40 fucking years old! How is that even possible when you still feel like the 17-year-old kid on top of the world? You know you are so much wiser than that girl, but you really aren't any different. It's like Grandma once said... at 70-something years old, she still felt the same as when she was 20, and now you totally get why that's true. It's hard to believe so many years have passed and all that has happened in what feels like a really short amount of time.
You have an amazing life. No mid-life crisis happening around here! You are married to your college sweetheart - and high school best friend. Sam and you have grown together even more as life continues to throw challenges, bring joy, and command change. Just like you told Rabbi Stern from the very beginning, your greatest strength is communication, and that keeps you both in check. You have three brilliant, kind, and gorgeous sons who are the center of your everything. Every decision you make has them at the forefront. Every single day, they annoy you, inspire you, challenge you, drain you, and keep you coming back for more. Your home is a constant circle of messy and clean and back again, but you realize how very fortunate you are to have the things you have, the space you have, the ability to worry about its function and appearance. We are fortunate to have the things we want, but we also dance with months of no paycheck enough to not take it for granted. We are not good at saving, and we rarely have enough to feel as financially secure as we want. Yet, we make it work.
You have the love and support of your family nearby. You've been able to have care for your kids from the people who love them the most when you need to be away. You know if you ever needed anything, your family would be there for you in a heartbeat. You text Mom and Kira nearly daily and talk to Mom at least every other day if not more often. You can call her for cooking help, for parenting advice, and just to check in on her thoughts about the daily news. You don't take that for granted and know how special she is, as well as your relationship with her.
You are getting more and more grey, and you care less and less. Your skin is getting drier, your vision is blurrier, and chin hairs are on the rise. When you stand up too fast, you get dizzy and see white. You've been told this is orthostatic hypotension, and there's not a lot to do for it but to be careful. You come by it genetically. Your sun worshipping from your high school days are definitely showing now, and those once-cute freckles are now sunspots that annoy you.
Your lower back hurts every morning. You have been going to a chiropractor for help, but it's not much improved after 6 weeks now. With activity, stretching, and movement, you are usually just fine, but waking each morning is painful. You are still too young to be feeling that "old," so you'll continue to figure this out, but so far, nothing is better. You also sweat when you sleep these days - and can wake up drenched. You definitely prefer a fan literally right in your face, and you question whether you are going through menopause quite often.
Your thoughts at night center around the to-do items of tomorrow: pick up clothes from the dry cleaners, cut the boys' nails, get car inspected, pay the lawn guys, send graduation gifts, plan Q's birthday party, organize K's clothes, change sheets, grocery pick-up, meal plan, file boys' artwork, pick up meds, etc. You have a constant list of things to work on, remember, do, or prepare. It's hard to really ever relax, as your mind is constantly going and moving on to the next thing. Especially as the kids are little, you feel like you want to stop time and capture every moment, but it happens so fast it just slips through. You are very efficient and manage your time really well, but it leaves little time for relaxing.
You don't drink alcohol. You don't drink coffee. You don't do drugs. Friends don't understand how you stay sane. You need a chocolate fix every now and then, and the lowest dose of Zoloft has helped ever since a postpartum depression battle after Knox was born. But, mostly, you're just a constant planner, maker, doer. You have checklists and schedules; you and Sam "calendar" weekly to keep organized and coordinate tasks.
You really enjoy part-time work. It allows you to be in the "real" world with professionals, to feel like you're contributing to the greater good, to make a difference in kids' lives, while it also allows you to be at home taking care of your own family and yourself. Your days "off" might be spent emailing or doing "work," but it's your time to take care of whatever is stressing you out, get something done for yourself (like working out or watching a show), and get ahead on housekeeping or chores while the kids are at school. The work/life balance is optimal, so when full time work was offered last month, you found it easy to choose the part-time option, even though it meant you had to switch schools. Plus, you're coming "home" to Bowie this fall, and that is very exciting!
You are more politically active than you have ever been in your life. That isn't saying much, given how unnerving the current political climate is and has been for 4+ years. More and more people have been finding themselves more interested in educating themselves given how hostile things have gotten. But, with Sam's 2018 congressional campaign and now his judicial campaign, you and Sam find yourselves in the thick of political discussion and activism quite deeply. You have made friends who are likeminded and who want to be as involved as you are. You are passionate about teaching your kids to have a voice, to pay attention to what's going on in the world, and to vote. The kids now go with you to vote, they have their own candidates they would like to see win elections, and they know why voting is so empowering and is so important.
Along those lines, you have such strong convictions and are incredibly close-minded to close-mindedness. Yes, ironic. But, that's the most raw way to say it. You believe in every person's right to an opinion until that opinion stifles others. That's where you draw the line, and that often makes you unable to be accepting. You don't understand why anyone would want to take away a woman's right to all medical procedures, including abortion, or their ability to love whomever they want and not be penalized for it or the ability to identify as man or woman or anywhere in between or neither and not be discriminated against, or the ability to be free FROM religion as much as we have the freedom OF religion. You believe it's fine if businesses want to buy or not buy from certain vendors, even if you wouldn't do the same. You believe we don't live in biblical times, and in these modern times, there's no longer a need for a "Jewish state"... even though you strongly support Israel and want to see it survive as a nation. We can have it both ways. You believe Black Lives Matter. You believe the path to citizenship should be easier, and we should not be mistreating people who seek to save their lives. You believe in science, and you believe the earth is dying because we are killing it. You believe health care should be easily accessible for every human and that going to college shouldn't cause the amount of debt it has for so many students. You believe in freedom, which means others may say or do or think something different than you. And while that is totally fine, you cannot stand by when those opinions suppress other people. It's really hard for you to NOT say something, even when NOT saying something would be best. You often feel that Republicans/Conservatives only care about themselves and want to control the freedoms of others. It's hard for you to get past that selfishness or to understand it.
At 40, you are not religious, but you are observant. You want your children to grow up with the same Jewish values that the customs, culture, and traditions teach. Kindness, gratitude, care for self and others, healing the world, giving, social justice, and peace - those are important in your home, and the Jewish holidays, teachings, and ideas help instill those. The community you are a part of is special, and you want your children to feel connected to and inspired by it. Sunday school attendance, participation in Greene Family Camp, and the deliberate inclusion of Jewish holiday customs help you and your family stay grounded in what is important when it comes to religion. In your home, it's okay to question God, to question why we do what we do, to think critically about what is right and what is true. There's no blind faith here; we ponder and ask and reflect. You don't believe God is in control, but instead believe God created and gave free-will to make choices and decisions for yourself. When you've been most desperate, yes, you pray and hope and beg for the best outcome, but ultimately, life is challenging. It's unfair and unpredictable and doesn't really care how hard it is for you. You believe all you can do is your best, all you can do is give and feel gratitude for what you do have, and most of that has nothing to do with faith.
Your parenting philosophy is embedded in honesty, acceptance, inclusion, and high expectations. You're hard on your kids, but you have no doubt they can rise to meet your demands. At the same time, you've learned to chill and recognize it's silly to sweat the small stuff and "this too shall pass." You don't take everything as seriously as you did years ago, and each child has made you a better mother. You can completely understand why birth order traits exist. You are most challenged by Banner, and he seems to need the most attention. You and Quinn gel best and he's the "easiest" at this point in time, but because of that, you often forget to give him the attention he deserves. Knox gets away with murder because you are too damn tired to care anymore by this third kid, and at the same time, you don't give in to his tantrums or fuss because your skin is thicker by now. You pick your battles and decide what makes you want to stand your ground on certain issues over others. Compared to raising an infant, parenting is 1,000 times easier physically at this point, and it's probably 10x easier emotionally. Where it's 20,000 times harder is the mental anguish - the constant second-guessing about how to discipline, where to set the limits, how to draw the line, and best preparing your kids for the future, or hell, the present! Figuring out how to give them independence but within your own comfort level is a challenge. You also take their lead with discussing hard topics, but you are very honest with them about the world.
Your schedule: You wake up whenever the kids force you to get up. During this COVID-19 pandemic, you have no set schedule, so you've been able to take it slow in the morning, which is nice. But, ultimately, someone demands breakfast sooner than you'd like, and you have to pry yourself out of bed. You try not to eat until you can't stand your hunger in the morning and have a Premiere Protein Shake for breakfast (only 2 SmartPoints on the WW plan!) and usually a banana. Then, you'll eat lunch at noon, dinner at 6, and eat way too many snacks in between there as you self-medicate with food to make it through the day. You lost 35 pounds on WW over a year ago, and the pounds have slowly crept back since Halloween last year. Not totally sure what happened, but this coronavirus quarantine and lack of gym opportunities hasn't helped much! You are allowing yourself this birthday to indulge, but tomorrow you are back in control and "cutting the crap" again - a birthday present to your future self. Gotta get back on track, girl! Anyway, you go to bed way too late - as staying up late allows you more time to yourself, even if you pay the consequences the next morning. Your favorite time of day is when the kids go to sleep, you get Sam to yourself, and the couch is the most appealing with the TV on whatever show you two want to enjoy uninterrupted.
Speaking of, your current favorite shows are ... varied: Grey's Anatomy, Walking Dead, Handmaid's Tale, A Million Little Things, Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, This is Us, and Real Time with Bill Maher. This past week you started watching Mrs. America, and your feminist perspective is once again reaffirmed. You don't really have a favorite movie, but something hit you with the most recent Little Women this past winter. Tears and tears, which are more and more rare these days. You don't cry as easily as you used to. There used to be times when you'd lean over Banner's crib or sit outside his bedroom listening to his lullabies and just sob - thinking about how much you loved this boy, how very lucky you are to have him, and how you knew how fast his infancy would speed by. Now, while you still have those same feelings about embracing parenthood and your love for each of your boys, you just don't cry as much. Maybe it's the Zoloft, or maybe it's being tired and exhausted by the end of the days, but the tears don't come as readily as they once did - and sometimes you miss that.
Too often, you put yourself last. You can't even think of a favorite song because you usually only listen to your kids' music. You get lost in your kids some times - only cooking for them and not you, only planning for them and not you, catering to their needs, not your own. Putting yourself first takes more effort and energy - like continuing to go to Pound class, for instance. You loved that class, but it was hard to get out the door even just that once a week. And while it shouldn't really be that way, this is 40.
40 is wanting your kids to be able to go to sleep without you, but really liking the bedtime talks and cuddles.
40 is telling your kids to get off the screens but internally loving the silence it's allowed you while they're on it.
40 is having survived being puked on, peed on, pooped on and knowing you can get through it again.
40 is cleaning up toothpaste off the counter, the mirror, the floor, the sink, the stools, and even the toothpaste tube itself as it's caked up so much at the tip, the fresh supply can't make its way through!
40 is wanting desperately to hang out with your girlfriends but being too damn tired to get dressed to go out.
40 is yelling "Close the door!" "Stop walking around with food!" and "Flush the toilet," like a thousand times a day.
40 is finding a whole new world of friends through the parents of your kids' friends.
40 is going to the grocery store just so you can have a moment to yourself.
40 is getting in the shower for 5 minutes of alone time, only for a preschooler to come into the bathroom, strip, and get in the shower with you.
40 is wondering how old is too old for him to have a monitor in his room.
40 is worrying about your parents' health more than your own kids'.
40 is picking boogers, pulling teeth, popping pimples, pulling splinters, and cleaning ear wax - and none of it is yours.
40 is feeling the ending to your childbearing years, when you know you don't want more, but you image just one more.
40 is being there when friends bury their parents, end their marriages, lose their jobs, or suffer miscarriages.
40 is signing up for teacher conferences, signing up to chaperone field trips, and signing away your life savings for karate lessons.
40 is loads of laundry, stacks of dishes, and long grocery lists.
40 is having friends diagnosed with cancer and fighting for their lives.
40 is wishing you could go back and do it again, do it better, because you know more now.
40 is wanting to be intimate with your husband but falling asleep waiting for the kids to fall asleep.
40 is banging mud off cleats, cleaning icing stains off shirts, finding library books under the couch, and stepping on Legos at anytime anywhere.
40 is knowing who your friends really are and who they aren't and being okay with all of it.
40 is coercing a 4-year-old that there are no such things as monsters, then answering your 9-year-old's questions about racist monsters.
40 is realizing that your magic is slowly fading - as your kisses don't always fix boo-boos and you don't know how much longer you're employed as the Tooth Fairy.
40 is deciding what type of grass you want in your yard, what color you want the siding painted, and if you should invest in a power washer.
40 is fixing goggles, checking homework, making lunches, sounding out words to spell, and finding missing shinguards.
40 is speaking your mind and not putting up with bullshit anymore.
40 is being much more excited about your kids' birthdays than your own.
You've really struggled most of the day today, but you couldn't figure out why. Truth be told, you still can't. Could it be the current pandemic and the inability to truly celebrate? Could it be you don't feel any older but 40 sounds so old? Could it be that June 26th used to be your favorite day of the year, and now it just feels so overrated? You hadn't been that stoked for it. Then, out of the blue, Sam saved the day with his awesome plan to celebrate! He gave you quiet time so you could write this post (which has since been edited to add this part!), then Quinn came up and told you that you could join them for dinner downstairs when you were ready. Sam had ordered Benihana for dinner - since you usually do hibachi dinners on your birthday, and it was delicious! The boys had Chili's for dinner - and with that you were able to have the best dessert in town: a molten chocolate lava cake. A bit later, Sam wanted all of you to go on a family walk - not unusual for these days in quarantine. You were going to take a photo with Quinn, when all of a sudden, Sam threw his hand over your eyes, scaring the bejeezus out of you. He said, "Just trust me." As two women on the walking trail passed by, Sam said to them, "This is totally legal." You went with it, and once he got you to the field behind the house, he uncovered your eyes to see a sea of faces you love so much (well, half of them-- they were wearing masks). Such a sweet surprise and overwhelming feelings of love and joy! You loved seeing all these family members and friends. And that completed your birthday! He finally succeeded in surprising you, and it was awesome!
You hadn't been excited for this birthday. But, your mom says, "It beats the alternative," and that is 100% accurate. You really don't want your life any other way. (Okay, that's not true; you want your kids to stop using the damn screens so much and to stop arguing with you, and for this coronavirus pandemic to go away, and Trump to get booted from office.... , but you get the point.) Life really is good, and there is so much to be thankful for, to be proud of, to grow from, to love and adore, to cherish and uphold. Those faces in the crowd tonight reminded you of how loved you are and how much you love and have to give. Through cards, texts, calls, Facebook posts and messages, you've read some of the sweetest words about you: how giving your heart is, how grateful people are that our paths have crossed, how special you are to them, how happy you make them. These friends and family prove to you that these first 40 years have been successful.
You'd like to propose that instead of saying "40 years old," we start saying Level 40. So much better sounding, right? You are at Level 40 of this Life Game, and you have earned it! Your kids are only at Level 9, 6, and 4 - so you have SO much wisdom and experience well above them, and that doesn't make you "old," it makes you advanced. Level 40 is not the new Level 30 - it's better; it's wiser, it's stronger, it's tougher. So, go out there, Am, and make Level 40 the best level yet!
Happy Fuckin' 40th!
You got this!
Amber
These are the faces that make 40 ah-mazing!
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