Holding on Tightly

You know that feeling you have as the roller coaster jerks upward, clickety-clacking toward the top of the first "hill" of the ride? You're excited, you're nervous, you have no idea what is on the other side. A giant drop? A small little wave? A curve that will jerk you every which way? Your hands grasp firmly to the handlebar over your lap, your legs might tighten, you might lean in to your riding partner, you are anxiously smiling with a clenched jaw, and you're holding on tightly, bracing yourself for what is to come.

That's how I felt tonight at our preschool's celebration event. It's the end of another great year for my little boys, and we gathered together for the fourth year in a row with this extended family of ours to celebrate our babies' successes and milestones. Each class sings a song of friendship or gratitude, and the parents in the audience reflect on a year of great growth for their littlest children. Maybe their baby overcame separation anxiety. Maybe he learned to talk that year. Maybe she potty-trained or tried new foods or found a best friend. Maybe he overcame his fear of the stage or of fire drills. Maybe he learned to control his temper or found a love for books or music or arts and crafts. Maybe she learned to assert herself or ask for help when she needs it. Whatever the milestone, we are all there reminiscing about our sweet little ones and how far they've come in a school year's time. 

Tonight, I was doing all of that for Knox and for Quinn. But, I was also feeling the fear of what is to come, and I was holding on so tightly to the memories, the huge gains I've seen in my boys, and remembering the four years of Quinn's adventures in preschool. He got there all too quickly, and he's leaving even faster. We've been bracing ourselves for this emotional night for a couple weeks since Quinn has been grappling with his fears, worries, excitement, and concerns about Kindergarten. He knows he is ready. Academically, he will excel, we have no doubt. Socially, he will make friends and be a kind friend to all. Emotionally, though, he is a bit of his mama's son, and he is nervous about change. He has come home telling us about the words to his "Celebration Class" song ("Wherever I Go" from Hannah Montana):

Here we are now. Everything's about to change. We face tomorrow as we say goodbye to yesterday. A chapter ending but the story's only just begun. A page is turning for everyone. So I'm moving on, letting go. Holding on to tomorrow. I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be. We might be apart, but I hope you always know you'll be with me wherever I go.

I could go on and list the second verse of the song, but you get the point. It's an emotional song, and my emotional, sensitive kiddo knows and feels those words. So, when he would come home and tell me, "Mommy, the words to my Celebration song make me sad," I knew he might struggle as the event came closer. I've tried not to let him think too much about it, but he would continue to bring up his feelings during bed time the last couple weeks, "Mommy, I"m happy and I'm sad about leaving Anshai," "Mommy, I'm nervous about Kindergarten," "I've been at Anshai for a long time, and it's going to be hard to leave." He is well aware of this chapter in his life ending, and he is fully feeling it.

So, tonight, as we got in the car to go back up to school, he said, "Mommy, I'm feeling a little nervous." I told him that is very normal, and it's okay to feel that way. I gave him some tools to try- breathing through it, holding his hands together, distracting himself with other friends and conversations, listening to what the teacher says, etc. And as we walked in to his classroom, he asked me to tell his teacher how he was feeling. She took him under her wing, and he separated from me just fine. But, a few lines into his first (of three) songs, he was tearing up, covering his face, and before long, sitting in the teacher's lap. He was able to get himself back together for the second song, but he was very anxious and didn't want to go back up there at all. I had a brief chat with him - reminding him that this is the only chance he'll get to sing, and I didn't want him to regret not singing with his class, not participating. I went and sat very close to the stage, and again, I held on tightly - hoping he could muster the calm to get through the tears and anxieties.

By the end of the last song, he was fine, and even later after dinner, he was having a great time with his buddies he's known since before he was 2, taking pictures with former teachers, smiling with his "girlfriend" as she came up to tell him "Congratulations, Quinn!" (oh, be still my heart!), and acting silly and rambunctious as usual. His teachers were able to speak directly to each PreK student "graduating" tonight, and he was fidgety and swinging his arms as he listened nervously to his teachers' words. We took a few more photos, and we reminisced about how he used to run along the sidewalk with his buddies when we'd pick him up from the 2's class, how he used to have such a hard time separating from us when he was in the toddler class, how he was one of the only kiddos talking so well at not even 2-years-old, how he'll miss the games Ms. Rachel would play with the celebration class, how he used to be afraid to go to Hebrew class or wouldn't sing the Bear Hunt song.

And there I was again, holding on tightly. Holding on as I wanted the roller coaster to just halt, stop dead in its tracks so that time would just hold still a little longer - let me embrace the safety of this side of the coaster where he has felt safe and I know what to expect and where he's my little preschooler. I want to hold tightly to the memories, the people, the littleness of him, this chapter in his life, the friendships and relationships I'VE made through 4 of his 5-and-a-half years.

So, tonight we celebrated how my little toddler grew up at this school he has grown to love. We reminisced, we cried, we laughed, we embraced. We held tightly to the present time, because we're about to go over that big hump in the roller coaster, and a new ride starts soon. And, alas, we will keep holding on tightly... because Knox is on his way to his next adventure, too!

Abort Anti-Choice

Very recently, Alabama lawmakers voted to ban abortions in their state, the Georgia governor signed a restrictive "heartbeat" abortion ban, Missouri senators just passed a bill that outlaws abortion after 8 weeks, an Ohio abortion bill passed restrictive abortion access (and has made false claims about ectopic pregnancies), and abortion conversations have been front and center in the news. The discussion ultimately circles around the fate of Roe v. Wade - whether it will or won't be overturned. The topic has me so upset.

Let me say before I get on my soapbox and show my true colors about where I stand on this issue, I have several friends who are anti-choice. And I really like these people. They are good people, nice people, and I don't want to lose their friendships or their respect. I'm apprehensive about publicly sharing any of my beliefs about this topic because I fear alienating others who I consider friends or even family, but I also can't seem to bite my tongue anymore, and you know me... when I have something on my mind, I write about it and share it to spark discussion and thought. Furthermore, I know a handful of people who have disclosed their abortions to me, and this topic is sometimes too raw and painful to discuss or fight about, so they won't say anything about it to you. The stigma and propaganda has alienated these women into being unable to talk openly about their abortions, and the mere mention of abortion can cause guttural reactions that often keep them from speaking out. They are the brave ones, but they've become victims of the fringe propaganda, so it is my deep conviction that we must be voices for those who can't or won't speak out.

So, now that I've laid that out there, let me start with this: Banning abortions is wrong. It's absolutely not the government's place, BY LAW, to create laws that prohibit women from making choices for their own body. There's this thing called body autonomy, and it's a real law. It means that each person has the right to determine who or what uses his/her body, for what, and for how long. Even if you're dead you retain body autonomy. It's the reason a person cannot be forced to donate organs or blood - even if it would be a life-saving measure for someone else. And, if you choose not to donate or let another person live off of your body or your blood, you are not held liable for their outcome (death or illness for example). A fetus is using a mother's body to live off of them, and it is there by permission and not by right. Even if a consenting woman becomes pregnant, she can withdraw that permission even after she has become pregnant.

It might make you wonder, though, why would a person change her mind? Well, to be clear, it doesn't matter why. A woman's decision is hers to make, and it doesn't have to affect you at all. Go ahead - let it go. This is not about you. But, I digress - I'll go ahead and answer that. Family circumstances change, financial circumstances change, perhaps others in her life have become ill or require more attention, time, energy, money, and care, or maybe she found out she has cancer or the baby is ill or is "incompatible with life" and won't live to survive childbirth or much thereafter. It doesn't matter why - it's her choice, it's her body, it's not yours.

Perhaps the decision to have a child was not hers to consent to. Maybe the mother was raped, sexually assaulted, or denied birth control for some reason. Maybe  her partner "pulled the goalie" by compromising birth control methods. Maybe she thought she was infertile. Maybe she thought she was going through menopause. But NONE of this matters. Legally, this is HER choice, whether you like it or not.

Now, you might think it's immoral or unethical or against your religion to have an abortion. Then, by all means, don't have one. You don't have to fear that pro-choicers are going to make you have one... it doesn't work that way. But, in our grand United States of America, you have no right to put those beliefs on someone else. You might not like that I don't believe Jesus died for your sins, but it doesn't mean I am denied the right to believe however I want. I may disagree with your idea to vote for the Republican candidate, but I may under no circumstances deny you the right to vote (funny how that doesn't seem to be reciprocated on the other side). You might not like that Hobby Lobby holds some pretty messed up religious views, but you can't deny me the right to shop there. That's MY choice no matter how "wrong" you think it is. You cannot tell me not to have a medical procedure on my own body, even if you believe I'm killing a fetus.

Yes, I've been pregnant... three times, in fact. And yes, I felt an attachment to each of those little fetuses long before they could have survived outside of my body. The kicks, the flutters, the sonograms, the sound of their heartbeats... they were all miraculous to me. But they were my choice. And they needed me to be on board with them being there. I am so fortunate that I never had to endure a miscarriage or a decision to terminate a pregnancy, and I cannot imagine what a woman goes through when grappling with either of these stresses. I had bleeding during each pregnancy, and each time it was awful and terrifying and anxiety-provoking. If I had to make a decision for the sake of my baby or myself, that would have added excruciating agony I cannot fathom. I don't know any woman who would think this is an easy decision. The lack of empathy and understanding shown by our political leaders is appalling and abhorrent.

They have no problem allowing any idiot to buy/own/carry a gun and only send thoughts and prayers when those guns are used to take the lives of innocent children. But, when a woman wants to have a say over her own reproductive health, they will simply not have it. They want to say that fetus is a life, a person, an individual with rights. Well, they just can't have it both ways. At least up until a certain point, that baby is not viable on its own and would not live outside the womb. Anti-choicers want to force that woman to be the incubator for a fetus that is not even livable yet and give it more rights than the woman housing it.

To elaborate on this point, let's just say a 1-month-old baby is on life-support for whatever reason (a horrible disease, a nightmarish accident, any number of reasons...). Let's imagine that baby would not be able to live without medical intervention. By law, the parents of the baby have the right to deny that medical intervention, to turn off life-support, to sign a DNR, to reject life saving measures, right? Why, then, are legislators and anti-choice activists around the country trying to deny those same rights to the parents of a fetus? If you're sitting there trying to justify that, go ahead and stop trying. A reasonable response just doesn't exist. You might never want to take your infant off life-support - and that's okay. But it's just as LEGALLY okay for those parents to choose differently. Judging those parents, the doctors, and the nurses who made the heartbreaking, devastating, gut-wrenching choice to stop life-saving measures will not help anyone.

Nope. Just not for us to say. The decision to abort is only one a pregnant person (with guidance from her doctor) should be making. There are simply too many reasons a mother - even one who very much wanted a baby - would decide to end a pregnancy, and it is just NOT for anyone else to weigh in on. Anti-choicers need to take the religious discussion out of this legal conversation. It is not "pro-life*" to make a woman endure carrying a fetus that is the product of rape; it is not humane to make a family who desperately wants a baby to have to carry a fetus with no brain and won't survive long after delivery; it is not justifiable to put a baby through a painful delivery and unbearable, limited time on earth when more compassionate measures could be used.

*And while I'm at it -- let me just go on to say we need to retire the term "pro-life." We are all pro-life; we all are on the side of the living, of wanting life to endure, which is exactly what pro-choice advocates are proposing - a life for the mother that doesn't put her physical life, her emotional life, her financial life, her marital life, etc. in danger. Likewise, no one is "pro-death." NO ONE. No one WANTS babies to be unhealthy or uncared for or unloved. No one wants fetuses to die. No one wants long lines at the abortion clinic because we want unborn babies to go away. What we want is CHOICE. That woman will have to carry her decision to abort or not her entire life. That's already a heavy burden - whether she chose to keep a baby she really can't take care of (physically or emotionally or financially...) or she chose to abort a baby she really wished she'd been able to keep. She will forever and always, I repeat FOREVER AND ALWAYS, think of that baby (or babies) and hold them in her heart and in her mind, wondering if she made the right choice. No one is going around just signing up for abortions all "willy nilly" for the fun of it. There is NOTHING enjoyable about having an abortion. It's a MEDICAL procedure that needs to be discussed as such. No one is signing up to have surgeries because it sounds like a great idea for a good time (even cosmetic surgery isn't something people want to want!). So let's all stop talking about abortion as if it's something we are for or against. It's a woman's medical option, much like cataract surgery or having a heart transplant. It's the patient's choice to have those procedures, and I don't see anyone passing judgment on those people. SO, get off your high horse and allow women to make their own G.D. decisions.

Okay, I know. You want to talk about when "life" starts. Well, you see. There is a reason we say a mother is "expecting." We say that because she is expecting to have a baby. Sometimes what we expect doesn't happen. There is a reason the definition of "person" includes the word "individual." An unborn baby isn't a "person" by definition; the fetus cannot live independently or individually yet. It's not technically a "person" yet. That's like calling a seed a plant - it's not. And you want to talk about letting nature takes its course and seeing God's plan through. Well, that's not a part of this conversation because GOD is part of the religious conversation, and we have already determined that GOD doesn't fit into the legal discussion. No one is asking you to go against your God. You do not have to get an abortion. That's the beauty of choice! But, I'll give you my two cents on God if you care to keep reading. God also gave us free will and the ability to make tough choices. God gave us the ability to love and nurture one another, to have compassion and understanding. Let OTHERS have their ability to choose; you can decide to be compassionate about that, even if you don't agree. It is not your body. It is not your choice.

This country is going to implode on itself when the leaders keep putting their religious agendas ahead of the freedoms given to others. When is this war on women going to end? Ending legalized abortion won't end abortion, people. Just like the NRA says about guns, there will always be a way. The underground railroad will rise yet again, only women's lives will be in danger due to botched procedures and unsafe practices. How "pro-life" of our politicians to care so much about women's lives. Chances are quite high no matter what race, religion, class, or political affiliation you are, someone you love has had an abortion. Banning them is not going to stop that. In fact, all it does is raise the likelihood that someone you know and love could gravely hurt themselves if their constitutional right to choose is taken away. Please find it in your heart to accept others, even if you don't accept their politics. I 100% accept your decision to not have an abortion. I just also 100% support your choice to have one if you need. And if you happen to agree with what you've read here, please consider donating to Planned Parenthood (click here) or a pro-choice candidate of your choosing to help us fight the anti-choice agenda.