2.75: Knox's Newsletter

Dear Knox,
Two and three-quarter years-old today. My heart feels so full, yet so heavy. I can literally feel my baby getting grown up, watching you outgrow your 2T clothes, waiting for you to transition from a crib to a bed and from diapers to underwear and from pacis to no pacis, hearing those intricately long sentences flow from your mouth, and witnessing the developing friendships and real PLAY with your buddies at school. As much as I absolutely adore all these "big kid" developments, I just want to continue to cling to your babyhood longer. Three seems so big already, and I'm certainly not ready.... will I ever be??. . . for these years to pass so quickly.

So, in order to capture you at this age, let me tell you all about YOU at this very awesome age:

-You can't decide if you want to be a big boy or a baby. You ask to be rocked, to be carried laying horizontally ("like this" you'll show me), to be called "little boy" when I say "big boy." You go into baby talk some times ("ma-ma, eh, ehhhh, ma-ma" as you go limp or cling to my leg) and you crawl around on the floor like a baby saying "goo goo, gah, gah" playfully. But, then there are those times when you want to do everything by yourself and frustrate all of us with your persistence in doing something a certain way that is doomed to fail.

-However, you may have THE best coping skills of all my children. When you get upset, you will get still and limp. Your head drops slightly, your eyes get heavy and eyelids droop a little. If you're near the couch, you'll lay your upper body on it and be as still as can be. It's like the disappointment or frustration or sadness has taken all your energy, and you are not willing to fight. You're definitely in "freeze" mode. Daddy and I have talked about how mature it is that you don't fling yourself around or throw a tantrum, but instead you definitely get our attention by us wanting to console you. You just need a little bit of time, and soon you are communicative and able to turn your attitude around. When you get angry, you very clearly let us know, "I FUSTATED!" or "That makes me MAD!" Daniel Tiger has really helped me help you breathe through it with songs like "When You Feel So Mad." I also hear you saying things when you're annoyed or irritated like, "I sick Quinn," which means "I am sick and tired of Quinn." And you don't like it when either boy is misbehaving or not listening: "I talking to you, Banner!!" or "Don't DO that, Quinn!" And if those two are fighting with each other, you will assert yourself and try to intervene, usually yelling at them and trying to help stop whatever is going on.

-Speaking of your brothers, they both adore you. You sometimes get sick of their attention. Quinn wants to love on you all the time, but you are not always a willing participant. I will coach him on what to do if you don't want to hug or kiss, and once he asks you or says, "Knox, I want to kiss you. Let me know when you're ready, " you usually say "Okay, I ready now" only a few moments later. You simply want to be respected, and no one can blame you for that! You don't like it when the boys take things from you without asking, but once they ask, you are willing to oblige usually. They forget that you are a REAL person with REAL feelings, and they have taken advantage of your innocence for too long. You're definitely not putting up with that any longer! They used to be able to sneak your Halloween candy away from you, but not so much anymore! They used to be able to trade you a toy to play with what you had, but not any longer!

-Speaking of Halloween, you were STOKED for Halloween, and you haven't stopped talking about trick-or-treating since then (over two weeks ago)! You dressed up as DJ Lance Rock and Brobee - alternating costumes at various events we went to (My Gym Halloween party; block party at one of Quinn's friend's house; trick-or-treating and a visit to Chuck E. Cheese before the rain ended Halloween night). You were a little bit obsessed with the Brobee hat - wearing it all weekend before Halloween. But, then again, that's not surprising... you ADORE your Yo Gabba Gabba friends! You even sleep with a Brobee doll most nights.

-Sleep... that's another topic. I don't like to EVER write about what a good sleeper you are, but in the past several months, you really have been. You love your pacis, your lovey, your Brobee, your stuffed kitty, your blanket, your sleep sack, and the routines we have in place - "wash my pacis" (demanding I rinse all three pacis before you to sleep), "rock me," "water please" especially if you didn't get any after brushing your teeth, "can we sing?" and if I sing a song you don't want, "Nope; not that one."

-You now want to say goodbye to everyone in your class and get upset if you didn't get to say "Bye Zolly!" or "Bye Asher!" You run and chase them at school and want to read books with them. One of my favorite things I hear is your friends calling you, "Knoxy! Knoxy!" This simple but loving nickname is heard throughout the classroom as your friends and teachers want your attention or want you to join them or hand you something, etc. I love how loved you are by all those who know you!

-Every girl you see is "sister"... pronounced "sistuh." I think this is awesome given you don't have one and aren't getting one - but you will point to a girl and say something like, "That sister is playing over there," or "That sister is in my way!" or at the gym play area you'll say, "I was playing with the sister." I will correct you and say, "Oh, that girl?" and you will agree, "Yeah, that sister." Even older girls - women - are sisters.

-You've had your first official swim lesson at Montgomery last week. You did GREAT! No tears, and you were excited to finally have YOUR turn to swim.

-Some of my favorite things you say are: "volerume," (as in "turn up the volerume," probably because you say it like you're going to say "Valerie" first - your teacher's name), "dinosoy," "roy" (as in "roar!") "fustated," "wittle" (little), "it's not fair, mommy!" "Bridge up/Bridge down!" (when you raise your bottom up/down for a diaper change), "Mommy, something startled me!" and "Wanna see my cool trick?!"

-You had your first public singing performance of the school year today for the annual Thanksgiving show. You did better than the last few shows of your toddler class year, but you still suffer from stage fright! You do not like being up there with everyone staring at you. Poor boy, you get that from Mommy, and it breaks my heart to see you so uncomfortable up there. :(

-I still absolutely love our one-on-one days we have together this school year. Just last week, we went to Play Street just the two of us and then had the best lunch at Souper Salad where you ate and ate and ate so nicely. "Tell me a story, Mommy," you asked in the middle of our lunch. "Tell me the story of Goldilocks." And when I started telling you, you began taking over for me. You have such a great imagination and a phenomenal memory.

-We have no idea who this is or what this is, but you talk about someone named "Phono" and you crack us up when we drive down the street and you will point to a random house and say, "Phono lives there." The next house comes, and you'll say, "Phono lives THERE!"

-Things you love: My Gym, going to the gym with mommy/daddy, kolaches, Danimals, candy, Sukkot dinners, pizza, dancing. watching YouTube on my phone, jumping off high places, anything Gabba related, Damon, Zolly, Asher, Hayla, going to Grandma's house, BeeBee, being with Mommy, when Daddy lets you watch a DVD in his car, wearing your rain boots, Chuck E. Cheese's, baths, pretzels, wearing a mask or a superhero cape or dressing up like any superhero, your pacis.

Knox Morgan, you are such a delight to live with! You are one special, verbal, active, sweet little nugget, and I just adore how perfectly you are growing up. You have mixed feelings about getting older, as do I - but I can tell you want to keep up with your big brothers and enjoy the privileges that come with not being a "baby" anymore. You're a good listener, a quick learner, and a fun friend. I love watching you with your school friends at Tot Shabbat or at events like today after the Thanksgiving feast when you were running all over the social hall with your buddies. I love how snuggly you are first thing in the morning and how perfectly you fit in my arms. My favorite time of day with you is rocking you at night before bedtime, singing with you and cuddling just the two of us.

Let's both just promise to enjoy the next 3 months of your 2-year-old year. Threenager-hood is just around the corner, and we will navigate that together beautifully I'm sure (at least I'm hopeful!), but while you are still my not-in-the-least-bit-terrible two year old, I'm going to savor every moment... even the hard ones.

I love you, Baby Love!
Happy three-quarter birthday!
Love,
Mommy

P.S. I wanted to add this a few days after posting... today we had your parent/teacher conference, and Ms. Valerie and Ms. Hani told us a couple of poignant things. One was that you are like the "police office" of the classroom - helping monitor the rules and making sure others are obeying them (not in a negative/tattletale way, but in a helpful way). They talked about what a bright, smart boy you are, how you give them great hugs, how they are full of love for you and will have such a hard time letting you go to new teachers next year when they will have been your teachers for more than half your life by then, and how you've mastered all the objectives they've had for your age group. Not one item went unchecked by them. But most important to me, was that Ms. Valerie said in the Thanksgiving song your class sang, she specifically wanted you to sing the first line, "Thank you for the sun so bright," because you do just that: "He lights up the room. He is such a bright light." Oh, my heart, she is so right!

You randomly said, "I need to call my Bubbie," at Play Street.

 At our fun lunch date last week:

Taken at school - right before the Thanksgiving song. There you are being the helper "police officer!"

Trumped

Dear Banner, Quinn, and Knox,
The world is changing, and it's a volatile place. I try my best to shelter you from the stress the world is feeling right now, but I also want to document how I'm feeling about the country we live in at this tumultuous time so you can later look back and get my (and Daddy's) perspective about this time of great change. Each of you was born when Barack Obama was President. Our 44th President of the United States was the first Black person to lead our nation. I remember the night he was elected and how much pride I felt that our country elected someone who looked different that the previous presidents. I remember feeling such love and such hope. I'm not the most political person, but I do have strong opinions and beliefs that often shape how I raise you all. The longer Daddy and I are together, the more we seem to agree on a lot of issues, which makes it easy to raise you to feel the same way. We believe in acceptance of all people. We celebrate differences and respect our friends and family who aren't exactly like us. We empathize with those who struggle more and are well aware of the privileges we have that others don't simply because of our skin color, our able bodies, our sexual orientation, our gender identities, our economic status, and our education level. So, even if we don't face the kind of discrimination others do, we stand up for those who do and want to see everyone treated equally.

The 2016 election and campaigns leading up to it were grueling for those of us following the drama. When it came time to vote, it was both very simple and very complicated all wrapped into one. Both major party candidates were horrible choices. So, it was hard to even know if we SHOULD vote. But, if I had to pick a person to run our country, it was easy to pick the one with the most experience who would represent our country well and not run us into the ground. While there was controversy and conspiracy seemingly tainting Hillary Clinton's reputation, there was no proof that she had done anything wrong really. Her background and stance on so many issues made it easy to vote for her - the first woman presidential candidate to represent a major political party. Daddy and I agreed we couldn't believe anyone would vote for her opponent, Donald Trump, and felt confident that she would be a better leader. We were sure Hillary Clinton would be the 45th President. You guys were too (well, Knox was too little to talk or know what was going on, but Banner and Quinn were plugging for "the lady" because she "seemed nicer and the man wasn't nice.") We were certain we'd wake you up on November 9th with great news that President Hillary Clinton would take office in a couple short months.

Much to our devastation, we were wrong - as were most Americans across the nation. Polls had predicted a Clinton win, but they were very wrong. Driving to work the morning after the election was the saddest drive. The country felt different. I was in a state of shock and mourning, along with many of my co-workers. It was a sad day for so many people, while others were celebrating a feeling that they had finally been heard, that they were not "invisible" anymore, that their candidate won much to everyone's shock. What bothered me more than the Trump victory was the feeling that I didn't know my fellow countrymen and women, that I was in the minority believing that Trump was corrupt, prejudice, illogical, selfish, misogynistic, homophobic, anti-Semitic, that his ideas were scary and completely out-of-touch with the current times we live in. I felt betrayed by Americans who supported Trump because we really hadn't heard his plans, he was not forthcoming with the people, he was a threat to what I believed in and the world I had been raised in.

I felt somewhat better later learning that the popular vote went to Hillary Clinton, and Trump only won the electoral vote. The way the President is elected is done by a mathematical equation that doesn't always align with the way the majority of the citizens vote. Crazy. I know. But, in some alternate universe, it's supposed to make sense. (!) But, the weeks that followed proved that I was right to be afraid of the President-elect. He was appointing despicable people to his Cabinet. He was using social media in a childish, immature ways and seemed to be so easily insulted whenever anyone spoke ill of him.

As time passed and his Inauguration took place, even more negative news filled our daily lives. First of all, his Inauguration speech was laced with rhetoric that painted the current America with a dark brush and did nothing but repeat his typical campaign speeches. He spoke of "American carnage" and how "America's infrastructure has fallen into despair and decay" and the "sad depletion of our military." He dragged the past presidents who sat directly behind him through the dirt and insulted the work they had done. In the next day and following week, while feuding with the media about the crowd size at his Inauguration, he signed executive order after executive order that enraged most people I know. While he seemed to be speaking for "the forgotten men and women," he was completely disregarding a great deal of those who never felt forgotten. Most of the people who support him are uneducated and seem to think that this evil man that they elected would actually CARE about them and make things better for them.

Throughout the next year and a half, Daddy and I would continue to feel consumed with the ongoing negative information that we kept hearing. From the early days of his presidency when he signed an immigration ban to the more recent days when he nominated and supported a Supreme Court Justice who seemed unfit for the job, we have seen people rise up and speak out, and we continue to feel inspired by the turn-out of protest after protest. We've seen women (and men) march on Washington the day after the Inauguration. The sheer numbers of these crowds lift me up. But, then there are the Trump supporters who keep bringing me right back down. I'd love to just tune it all out, and I do when you guys are around. But, I NEED to know that I'm in a safe place, that my children are in a safe place. And I'm not feeling that way right now.

What I teach in my job as a school counselor and what I teach my three beautiful babies is being destroyed. Acceptance, love, respect, empathy, listening, care... it's all being slowly taken away. This is NOT the American way, and if this country is going to continue in this direction, we are going to have to find a new country.

Yet, this is the country our ancestors came to in the hopes of a better life. We have to continue to fight for what is right. With an upcoming election - in just two days - I'm hopeful things will turn around. I'm hopeful our "ripe for civil war" nation will calm down and go back to being the great nation it once was. Interestingly, the only thing that would "Make America Great Again" (Trump's icky campaign slogan), would be if he weren't president anymore.

History has seen the outcome of a tyrant who alienates its people. We will not let this happen again. We will not let this happen here. It's because of these feelings that we took a high dive into the deep end and started working with our local Democratic party to DO something. Daddy ran for Congress, and although he didn't win, we met some amazing people along the way who share our values. We learned a whole lot about our area, about how to be political activists, about what everything means and how to get more involved. As we speak, neighbors from around our county are in and out of our home - picking up block walking lists, picking up literature to drop off at homes of those who haven't voted yet, grabbing phone bank lists to reach out to people who didn't participate in early voting, and running the numbers of analytical data to best know how to get people to vote in Tuesday's election.

Something big is happening, boys. Something scary and something big.

Like so many of my friends and family who seem to share the same sense of morality and worldview that I do, we can't understand others who feel that Trump is handling his job well. It's unnerving, unsettling, and frightening that there are actual people - even some family members -who support the president or feel that we should give him a chance. My philosophy is that he's lost his chance because he failed to ever earn it. Those same people feel that we (the people who feel and think similarly to Daddy and me) are overreacting and are being "sore losers." This is not so. I have every reason to want Trump to succeed. I very much wanted that - for you three. If we have a failing president, we have a failing country, and therefore, your futures are at stake. So, of course, I never wanted him to fail. But, every passing day when he makes choices for the citizens of the country - and even others around the world - I have a gutterul reaction and feel angry, outraged, and called to action.

I want you boys to grow up in a world where it's not okay to bully others who are different. I want you to know that words matter, actions matter. I want you to have a leader who is competent - and mentally stable. Mr. Trump is not a man to respect in any way. I never thought I'd have to tell my children not to respect the president, but he has made a mockery of the title and the office he holds. Those who support him - well, I won't go there - but I simply don't understand how anyone could think he is doing a good job or is admirable in any way, shape, or form. He lies, he says the news reporters are the enemy of the people, he makes up "alternative facts," he makes fun of others, he doesn't condemn or call out acts of discrimination, anti-Semitism, or racism, he has a fear of people from other countries, he thinks he is greater than everyone else, and most recently he calls himself a "nationalist" which lunatics hear as a call to action to harm and hurt others. I simply can't understand or wrap my head around the fact that so many people still stand behind him simply because they are unwavering on one particular issue while giving up on deeper values (like our Jewish friends who believe only Republicans support Israel aren't willing to change their votes... yet their support of this clown means sacrificing their core Jewish values where it counts at home). Those who support his agenda make me physically ill.

I know I've said a lot. But, I want to end this letter to you three by telling you how very proud I am of YOU guys! As Mommy and Daddy have stepped out of our comfort zone to do what we feel is right for our community and our country, we have often brought you along for the ride. You didn't have much choice in the matter, and we want you to know how much we appreciate that you didn't (okay... rarely) complain. You've gone with us to vote, you've block walked time and time again, you've gone to rallies and community parades and fairs and picnics, you've gone nights and nights and nights without Daddy and occasionally without both of us to tuck you in at night, you've gone on marches and walks and worn campaign shirts to school, you've had strangers-to-you in your house for campaign meetings, and you've helped put out and then gather road and yard signs. You've spent so many hours of your free time doing things that Daddy and I think are important when maybe you didn't. So for that I want to thank you for being troopers!We hope you understand that what we've done the past two years has been BECAUSE of you. We hope that you are learning from us how to step up, be loud, and stand for what you know is right.

We hope all of our - and your - hard work WON'T be "trumped" on Tuesday, but even if we don't win this election, we have moved the political pendulum quite a ways! Change IS coming, boys. I want you to remember to VOTE. I want you to remember you CAN make a difference. I want you to remember what it feels like to do the RIGHT thing.

I love you so very much,
Mommy