Before I was a real-life parent with actual human beings depending on me for most everything (shelter, attention, education, entertainment, food, medicine, discipline, comfort, safety...), I was an exquisite mother. I never yelled, I was never stressed out, I said "yes!" to everything within reason, I was always teaching them things and loving doing so; it was so perfect! My kids never misbehaved, they were spotless all the time, they listened at my first request, and they were the perfect picture of etiquette and manners.
Then, I had children. And, reality set in. And, I learned I was a much better mom before I had kids. I've learned SO much from them and from this parenting gig. I've learned that I was a complete moron before I gave birth. But, I know I simply couldn't have known. At least NOW I know that. Back then (a mere 4 years ago), even though I thought things would be amazing, I also knew things could get rough. I THOUGHT I knew. But, you just can't prepare for parenthood until it's happening to you.
And in the midst of it all, I have learned who I really am as a mother. There's a long list of things I now know about myself that I never would have known, and it's made me want to reflect on those things a little bit. Obviously, this list could go on and on - and in the years to come, I could add so much to it. Now I know that. I know that I don't know, and I know that I don't have a clue who I really am as their mom until it all happens. My kids did that for me. They opened up a whole new part of me to get to know. And, when I'm in the trenches, the raw, true, real part of me as a Mom surfaces, and it's been an amazing journey so far.
Who I Am as a Mommy:
-I'm a formula feeder. I don't breastfeed my children. I've thought about exclusively pumping for any future children, but that's not what I do. I'm a better mom when I don't worry about nursing, and that makes for a happier baby. When I tried to put breast milk as a top priority, everything else (including my bond with my child and my embracing of our new relationship) went by the wayside. So not worth it. I realize other moms bond with their babies through nursing, but that was not happening for me. Breastfeeding just doesn't work for me. And when it comes to my relationship with my babies, I choose the bond - not the breast!
-I have C-sections. My babies exit my body through my abdomen, and my beautiful scar (no really, it's beautiful; my OB did a fantastic job!) is where I remember their heads first saw the outside world. When I touch my scar, I remember my sweet newborns making their exit from their first home. And, while what I see is not as tight, smooth, and flawless as it once was (was it ever?), I embrace it because they LIVED and they lived THERE!
-I'm an open book. My mommy friends will tell you that I hold nothing back. If I'm going through something as a parent, they know about it, and we share it all. I LOVE connecting with other moms and just being honest and real about our (more often than not - shared) experiences. Maybe it's the counselor in me, but I never want others to feel alone, so even if I'm the one who discloses something first, I'm so glad I am connecting with these other moms!
-I'm the weirdo who prefers my kids wear diapers. I had a great experience potty-training Banner, but I have to say I'm in no hurry to potty-train my kids! While the expense of diapers is annoying, I'd much rather deal with changing a diaper than cleaning an accident or taking a child to the potty several times during a restaurant visit or a grocery store run! I'm not a fan of getting up in the middle of the night to change wet sheets or of being told "I have to go potty" just after we drive out of the neighborhood. For these reasons, diapers just don't bug me!
-I yell at my kids. I hate this part of me, and I am definitely hoping to be a "recovering yeller" so one day I can say "I USED to yell at my kids." But, in the meantime, I'm working on it. It happens rarely, so little that I can count the number of times on one hand, but it upsets me when it happens. It weighs on me heavily, and I will feel guilty about it for weeks. I don't yell at other people. Why would I yell at my children? The people I love more than anything on the planet, the people I hold most precious and dear. How do they get under my skin enough for me to raise my voice to them? Probably because I'm human and forget to take care of me when I need a break.
-I admit when I'm wrong. I have never gone to bed without apologizing to my children when I know I have made a mistake (see above!). I rock them, hold them, cuddle them, and tell them how sorry I am for my mistake.
-I am an "up-the-slide" mom. As long as there is no one waiting to go down the slide, I have no problem with my kids - or any others - climbing up the equipment.
-I'm all about screen time. I mean, I try to set some boundaries for it, but as long as they are watching appropriate and/or educational things, I'm really okay with it. I've seen some amazing things happen with my kids' learning through YouTube videos or even connecting with me/each other through video games we play together. I'm not opposed to giving Quinn my phone while we are grocery shopping if that helps everyone get through our errands without destroying anything or disturbing anyone. As long as they are still able to interact appropriately with others and maintain their social skills, I'm okay with screens!
-I don't take my mobility for granted. Every single time - EVERY time, people! - that I am being physically active with my kids, I am grateful. I reflect on how fortunate I am to be able to move freely as I kneel, bend, squat, roll, lift. The giggles and squeals of joy I hear from my children as we laugh together while rolling or "flying" or jumping or dancing or chasing - it's what I feared we'd never share when I was dealing with RA. I think back to the days with Banner when I couldn't do those things, and I give my past self a wink and a hug, embracing her in my head, telling her it's okay. Thank God, it's okay.
-I believe fighting over food is not worth the fight. When Quinn was 15-months-old, he refused milk when in a sippy cup. Our doctor instructed for me to drop the bottle altogether and to only offer milk in the sippy cup - therefore withholding water from Quinn. Several days into this little activity, I decided I was dehydrating my son, and it wasn't worth the fight. So, I gave in to my gut, gave him his water in the sippy, and let our lives return to normal - just without a bottle. A couple days after that, the spell was lifted and Quinn eagerly drank his milk from a sippy cup. Months later, I was sick and tired of Banner refusing to eat meals I had made and having to cater to his limited palate every night. I read this amazing article that, once again, lifted a stress off of this household, and meal times are drama-free once again. Twice this week Banner has chosen not to eat, but there are no fights about it. What's more amazing than that - the kid has actually slept longer into the morning on these nights (unrelated, I'm sure, but at least he's not hungry throughout the night). What I make for dinner is the only option available - and more often than not, Banner chooses to try it out. Quinn has benefited as well, and he is eating more variety! Yes, it still frustrates and annoys me that Banner might refuse to eat a food I think he'd really enjoy if he'd give it a taste, but at least meals are much more relaxing with expectations set in place for all of us.
-I am not room mom material. I always imagined I would enjoy this role - and I longed for my own mom to be able to be at my school often enough that she could volunteer for this coveted role. But, alas, I am not a room mom. I volunteered for this position this year for Banner's 3's class, and I have learned my lesson: Never volunteer for this crap again! It's just "one more thing" to add to my stress level that's just not worth it. I never intend to be on the PTA board, I never see myself as heading any committees, and that is just fine with me! I'm happy to volunteer in other ways, though!
-It only took about 3 years - or maybe just a second kid - to become an "I don't give a $h*t" mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and care a great deal about them. I care VERY much about the big stuff, but I've learned to shrug off the little things. I don't care if my kids eat off the floor. I don't care if they want to have a tantrum every few minutes while I stick to my rules. I don't care if I look like crap at drop-off or pick-up - or more often than not, both. I don't care if I have spit up on my shoulder or graham cracker paste on my pants. I have just learned not to sweat the small stuff anymore. I used to be quite the sleep trainer - following the sleep lady's rules and reading up on how to best help the brain know it's time to sleep. I still think these things are greatly important for helping babies - but once you've done it all and nothing works and you're family is desperate for rest - screw the "rules" and do what works! Want me to sleep on your bedroom floor? Fine. Want to sleep in my bed? Fine. Need me to stay in your bed while you fall asleep. Done. Just go (the __) to sleep! See? I just.don't.care anymore. So liberating.
-Along those same lines, my house is usually a disaster of toys, crumbs, smears, hand prints, spills, and even some "what is that?!?" But, one thing that must happen every evening - the boys' bedrooms are spotless. From day one, it has been super-important to me that the kids have a peaceful, mess-free, calming bedroom. So, we don't go to bed with toys; books and toys are generally not strewn about their rooms because we don't even really play in there; clothes are put away; the floor has nothing on it. Now, any other part of the house - not so. Not even MY bedroom is spotless. But, at least their messes that bring out my inadequacies as a house-keeper do not impact their personal rest space!
-I don't craft. I used to love Pinterest and all the fun things I'd pin. It became a little obsessive, always looking for great ideas I was going to try/do with Banner when he was finally able to do them. I would just have to get to the craft store to get all the materials I needed to make some great educational craft or some cute festive trinket for the next holiday. I was going to be quite the little crafter with my son who would think what we were working on was amazing! . . . And then I tried the activity. Horrible. What took 30 minutes to set up would take 30 seconds to destroy. I quickly learned that crafting is not for me - at least not yet. We're all happier when we don't attempt these crazy activities and ideas. I'll give it a chance again one snowy day years from now, but for the time being, my kids can craft at school, where
-I like a good laundry challenge. Bring on the paint, the ketchup, the ink, the spaghetti sauce, the poop. At the end of the day, I secretly enjoy spraying my kids' clothes to get stains out before the washing machine beats me to it. I love watching the magic of the stain remover (Melaleuca's PreSpot) with a little elbow grease from yours truly. When Banner first started preschool, the teachers warned that a great day could be seen all over messy clothes - the messier the clothes, the better the child's day of "work." I was ready, though! Bring.it.ON! Once, in a fit of desperation, I dipped the end of a Q-tip in some bleach and was able to get out the toughest stain Banner had brought home from school on one of his favorite shirts. On top of the world, I tell you.
-I am not judgmental. I used to be, but not anymore. I don't care if you agree with the things I'm doing with my kids and how I parent them. I don't care how you parent yours. I really don't. It only took a few days into this new role to learn that every mom is doing the best she can. Every parent is flying by the seat of his/her pants every.single.day. No one knows your kid better than you do, so every decision you make is about you and your kid - and it is not for me to say what is right or wrong. I can definitely think, "No, that would not work for me/my kid," or "Wow, I would never do that!" but it's not meant in a judgmental way - it's simply a truth of what works and what doesn't for my family. None of us are experts on parenting - we're just experts on our own kids. And, even then, we are very limited experts. We seriously never know what the heck we are doing, making it up every step of the way. So, no judgments.
-I am constantly concerned about trying to freeze time and capture my kids as they are in the moment. One of my favorite quotations is from Mary Poppins when Bert tells Mr. Banks: "You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone, though childhood slips like sand through a sieve. And, all too soon, they've up and grown, and then they've flown, and it's too late for you to give . . . just a spoonful of sugar to help that medicine go down..." I'm always trying to savor these days - writing on the blog, taking pictures, tearing up at their "last night before they turn ___," hugging them extra tight before they go to sleep each night... it really is like trying to grab the sand that is slipping away from you as time just keeps marching on. My senior yearbook quote was, "The only thing that stays the same is everything changes. Everything changes." And becoming a parent has magnified that constant changing and thrown it in my face daily - and I KNOW it goes fast, and it IS going fast, and I want it to SLOW DOWN!
And... with that, I'll stop for now. This list is incomplete, but definitely to be continued!
