Journey to the Knot: Happy First Birthday, Quinn!

Dear Quinn,
A year ago, I waddled into the OR, worried, anxious, excited, nervous, giddy, and trying my best to stay calm as I braced myself for the next few minutes that would change my life - and yours - forever. As the doctor administered my epidural on the operating room table, I breathed deeply and felt you squirm and jab inside my belly for the last time. I spoke to you (in my head), telling you, "Hold on, Baby. This is going to be rough for the next few minutes. It's gonna be bright, it's gonna be loud, it's gonna feel weird. But, Mommy's here, and I can't wait to hold you. Soon you'll be in my arms. Soon, I'll see your sweet face. Just hang in there. And, enjoy these last few minutes to yourself - just us." The doctor was running late, so we all waited and waited in the freezing OR for what felt like hours. Really, it was only 20 minutes, but that's a long time when you're anxious and can't feel anything below your chest. I just kept talking to you as I tried to keep myself calm - and I wanted you to be calm. I can still remember these moments like it happened earlier this morning.

I was worried about my little family of 3 and how adding a new baby would change it. I was not sure how I was going to handle a newborn and a toddler all at the same time. But, when you were born, all of that worry disappeared, and there you were. You were amazing. You were a chubby-faced little nugget, and you were my sweet baby right away! You peed on the nurse (& Daddy!) at least 5 times. You were pink and had dark hair and eyes I was sure were going to be brown. You cuddled so nicely, and my favorite thing to do with you was snuggle in the hospital bed with you.

Fast-forward 12 months, and you are now this very white little boy with blondish hair and possibly the bluest eyes I've ever seen. So, I was wrong about the eyes. But, you have always been a cuddler, and you've always been my little love. You are shy and sensitive, sweet and quiet. You are a flirt, though! You know how to charm people. You are smart and curious and love to experiment with new toys and items you can get your hands on. You are easily redirected and pretty obedient (at least for now!). Everyone always talks about what a good baby you are, and they are right! You are pretty easy and go with the flow - at least while you're awake. (When nap and bedtimes roll around, you can be a bit more challenging - either taking a while to get to sleep or waking up too soon or too many times during the night, but we're working on it!)

I can't really believe that 12 months have come and gone, and now you are one full year old! You are still very much my baby, and you always will be. But, as Daddy and I have seen this month, you are also very much growing up and becoming a little boy! So, what are you up to now??

-You're WALKING! Right at 11-months old, you started walking pretty well. You had been taking steps, but around 11-months, you became more confident and able to take off whenever you wanted. Now, you're an expert, getting up and down on your own and getting around fairly quickly. You still walk like a drunken sailor and your arms held high, but that will change soon!

-You "wink" at people. If someone winks at you, you will close both eyes very tightly. You even know the word and will do it on command. It's probably my most favorite trick you show off. :) You can also blow kisses (usually by putting your whole fist in your mouth and then pulling it out).

-If you hear music of any kind - singing or a commercial with a little ditty or music coming through a speaker at the grocery store, etc - you will bounce to it. You love to dance!

-Last night, you had your last bottle of formula. We offered some whole milk yesterday and you were skeptical. But, starting today, it's all whole milk from here on out. Sorry, kid, but that formula was ridiculous expensive!

-You still have no teeth. One day, son. One day!

-You got your first pair of shoes from Grandma just yesterday!

-And this past weekend, you got your hair cut for the first time!

-You have major separation anxiety still. Hoping this subsides since I accepted a temporary part-time job and you'll be spending more time away from me! You cry when Daddy or I leave the room. You cry when Banner leaves the room. You sometimes just cry to be held. You have cried for over an hour at Grandma's when I left to teach my sign language class. It's awful. I feel so sad for you, but I appreciate that you want to be with us. I miss you when I'm away from you, too!

-Something seemed to "click" this month. I just feel like you are so cognitively and linguistically aware of what is going on. You seem so much more of a participant in our daily conversation and routine - even though you're not talking yet. I don't know how to explain it, I can just tell you are way more aware of yourself and of us and of what's going on.

-Just today, you've been saying, "Mama" a whole lot and looking at me when you do it. Although I'd say your first "word," is "No" (pronounced "Nahhh!"), maybe this is a close second? We'll see how long it lasts and if it really means me!

-You get PISSED! You have a temper! Whenever we have to take a toy or item away or play time is over or something just doesn't go your way (like we have to close the freezer or the dishwasher), you will sit down and wail with great passion and raging fists. I hate seeing you like that. I hate that you get SO upset. On the other hand, I like seeing you have strong opinions and a very clear way of telling me "Mommy, I WANT THAT!!!" But, sometimes, you scream with such passion that I think you'd feel better if you could cuss me out!

-We saw your ENT again yesterday. While you aren't "better" with your laryngomalacia (still congested a lot of the time, seemingly sick a lot, loud breathing, snoring, night-waking, etc), we decided to give you some more time to mature before doing anything more about it - like a sleep study. We talked about your night-wakings, and I asked the doctor if I should let you cry-it-out instead of going to you. He instructed to keep doing what we're doing (going in and soothing you or rocking you back to sleep) because "you shouldn't let a baby with breathing issues cry for long periods of time." So, while we may be creating a behavioral issue and one big monster of a sleep problem, you will breathe better if we answer your cries.

-You love to eat. For the most part, you will eat anything we offer you. Perhaps your favorite food is bananas. You also love to hold your own food and try to suck on or take small bites: apple, graham cracker, corn-on-the-cob, mum-mum, for example. Teeth sure would be helpful, but you don't really seem to need them!

This morning, we celebrated your big day with a balloon party in your crib! Daddy, Banner, and I walked in with balloons and quietly started singing "Happy Birthday" to you while we showered you with balloons. I was worried you'd be afraid of them, but you wouldn't get out of your crib once the balloons were all around you. You LOVED them and were all smiles! What a fun way to start your day! Then, Daddy and Banner went to get donuts, and when they got back, you got to practice blowing out your candle (after another round of "Happy Birthday!"). You know how to blow and will do it on command, but I think you were too mesmerized by the flame on the candle to blow hard enough - plus we had to move the donut hole away from you to keep you from burning yourself, but all-in-all, you gave it a good try! Banner decided he would help you blow it out! Then, you got to eat your own donut hole for breakfast. The rest of the morning, we just hung out after Daddy left for work and Banner left for school. We got a few fun pictures of you with your balloons, and then, we headed to get Banner from school.

Last night, I told you what an amazing addition you've been to our family. I whispered how grateful I am for you, and I praised you for what a trooper you've been this year: going out in the freezing cold just to get Banner to school, tolerating the wretched heat during swim lessons and park dates, waiting your turn all the time, and getting knocked down and pushed around by your older brother and cousins, and hanging in there through all the congestion and ear infections and colds. You've been through a lot this year, and while it hasn't always been easy, you have hung in there and made it a successful year! I'm forever impressed with you - your growth, maturity, intelligence, development, and (my favorite), your affection.

Quinn Redding, I love you so very much. I wish you a very happy first birthday. May your life be filled with many, many more amazing birthdays surrounded by friends and family who love you and wish you the best every day. May you be happy, feel loved, be healthy, and know Mommy is always here no matter what - loving you fiercely! Happy 1st Birthday, My Love!

Love,
Mommy