My step-sister and her husband were married over a year ago. At their wedding, the officiant wrote the most amazing words prior to their vows. She also quoted Kalil Gibran, the great Sufi poet and philosopher, who articulated some thoughts on marriage that Sam and I found to be so meaningful and the way we envision marriage, as well:
Then he spoke again and said, And What of Marriage master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
She went on to say: "We are subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) taught by society that there is something outside of ourselves that we must bring into our lives – and THAT will make us truly happy. We work and accomplish and strive for a better job, a better car, a better body, a better house… And we search for love. We believe that if someone loves us, then we must be OK. And so we picture a perfect partner, the perfect relationship. There may be some here tonight who look at the two of you and see what is happening as the goal of life. To find the perfect mate! To find my better “half”! . . .But the problem with this sort of thinking is that when we strive to find someone to complete us, because we feel inadequate alone, what can come in the aftermath is a relationship built on dependence, and the wrong kind. And while relationships are an extraordinary gift, the capacity for wholeness exists in each of us, all the time.
And so it becomes clear, to those who have the courage to see, that the path to understanding love is the path inward. It is only the journey within that brings about the fullness, richness and completeness that many of us look for - without. To accept and love oneself - with all our imperfections and idiosyncrasies, our past mistakes and failures, our fears and our weaknesses, our imperfect bodies and our imperfect choices - this is truly the ultimate act of love. And when two people - who have each - individually - come to know who they are, and have accepted themselves in their beautiful, imperfect entirety - stumble across each other’s paths, and choose to walk in the same direction, then the world can be changed. Love, for such as these, will not become a crutch, but rather a greater extension of an already understood freedom. It will not become a cage, but rather a safe place after a long day of flying. Before us stand two people who understand this, because they have had the courage to honor their own personal journeys and - in doing so - deeply understand that they are enough, who and as they are, right now.
And so there is no desire for completion today. Rather, today is a celebration of two people’s freedom becoming magnified. Today is a celebration of two people who are living their own personal truth. Today is a celebration of partnership in its most authentic form. And so, we are all honored to be in the rare presence of true love."I've been holding on to these words, this speech and sermon given at her wedding. I was holding on to it and would look at it and reread it when I was "freaking out" about the "oneness" everyone speaks of when discussing marriage. My father believes that his wife is part of him, and without her he doesn't seem to exist and vice versa. While this sounds very romantic, it's very disturbing to me. I like who I am. I like who Sam is. I like us individually, and I like us as a couple. But never would I imagine that we are the same or that he is me or that I am him or that I cannot exist without him. My father's point-of-view worries me. It worries me that people may see marriage as a unifying of a couple into a one-ness or a joining of two people into one. My step-sister's wedding sermon spoke to me in a way that made me see marriage as the "bringing together of" two people - two separate people who will remain separate but just want to share their experiences with one another. It was less frightening and overwhelming that way. . . I could still be my own unique person. It was empowering and enlightening and, quite honestly, refreshing! I just wanted to share it with more people as they go through the journey to the knot.
