What it Feels Like

So, lately, everyone's been asking me what it feels like to not go back to work. Given that I was a school counselor who would have otherwise been on summer break, the "not going back" part officially started on Tuesday, when all my school colleagues had their first day back in the building to prepare for the upcoming school year. So, this week, I've gotten a real taste of what it's like to not go back.

On Monday, I went up to the building at the request of the counselor who took my place. She wanted me to help her, and I gladly accepted. I had told her back in June to please call or email with any questions; I truly wanted/want to make this transition as easy as possible for her, the staff, students, and parents. I have to say, I REALLY enjoyed being back in the building, my second home. I missed my office, believe it or not. My mom kept Banner, and it was mostly during his nap time, so I was glad that he was resting while I was able to help out. After a couple of hours of discussion, guiding, and explaining,  I roamed the building looking for my proactive, eager friends who were already in their classrooms before their official day back at work. Oh, so fun! I loved chatting and catching up with these teachers.

As Monday became Tuesday and I laid in bed just thinking of what my life would be like this week if I hadn't resigned, I felt both relief and panic at the same time. It's a weird feeling. Being back in my office with all "my" things and my experience, with all the knowledge I have of students, parents, staff, and how the building runs - well, it was just a bit of a high for me. I was in my element again. At the same time, just explaining certain parts of the job or thinking about a certain situation with a student or a parent - well, it made me beyond grateful that I'm no longer the one dealing with it! While I may have lots of answers and a great deal of knowledge running through my head, I also was so relieved that I don't have to be the one to handle the stress of it anymore. Instead, I get to hang out with my little guy - watching him grow, learn, and develop before my eyes. I don't want to be at work missing out on all the time Banner needs with me - and that I need with him.  (But, I will say that I'm really looking forward to subbing once or twice a week - and I'm really glad I made the decision to do that.)

Another school year starting reminds me of all the things I'll miss out on this year. It reminds me of the camaraderie I felt/feel with the wonderful members of the staff in that building. It reminds me of all the sweet faces I'll miss seeing in that hallway on a daily basis. It reminds me of all the lessons I won't teach to so many kids who loved to come to my classroom. It reminds me of all the jokes and inside scoop that I won't hear about throughout the year.  But, it also reminds me of all those parents about to take their babies to their first day of preschool or their first day of Kindergarten, and it reminds me of all those parents dropping their firstborn "babies" off at college for the the first time. And, those moments are the ones that matter more than anything. . . because soon (or at least sooner than I'd like) I'll be one of those parents, and I'll wonder where all these early, tender years went when it was just my sweet angel and me hanging out in our pajamas at home without a care in the world - chasing each other, running through the sprinklers, or building towers with foam blocks. It reminds me that one day, all of these small hours will be ancient history, a distant memory that I would do anything in my power to relive.

So how does it feel, then? Well, it feels like I AM doing everything in my power to hold on to these days. . . these days of learning, these days of my only child, these days of being the youngest Banner and I will ever be together. It feels right, even if it was a difficult decision. It feels peaceful, to have made a decision and to see it come to fruition. It feels like I have the most important (and hardest) job I'll ever have. And, even though every day is different and has its own challenges, it feels like I'm in my better element - because this is the one job I'll ever have where I am completely irreplaceable. I'm the ONLY one who can do this job, and even though it's tiring, I'm so glad I have the opportunity to do it all day!