New Shoes

This post is not about footwear . . . not whatsoever. I want to talk about the new shoes I stand in as a new mother. I want to talk about judging judgments. I want to talk about all the "When I'm a mom..." comments that I once made that are different now that I'm actually a mom. I want to talk about how you can't truly judge anyone else's decisions when you haven't been exactly where they are, and even then, you're walking on thin ice. I want to talk about the right to change your mind and be accepting of yourself for seeing a new perspective that you never thought you'd see.

As a school counselor, I teach young elementary students about empathy. We often play a game called "Walk a Mile," which teaches kids to put themselves in other peoples' shoes and try to imagine what that person would feel like. It's a game filled with scenarios like, "A boy in your class just got new glasses, and everyone keeps whispering and pointing," and the kids are supposed to talk about how that would make the boy feel and what they might do to better the situation. They are learning what other people might experience; they are learning that feelings are universal; they are learning to imagine someone else's emotions. This is an important lesson for young kids - to know that others have feelings and that we are capable of empathizing and inferring how a person feels AND that those feelings may differ from our own. But, somewhere along the way, you also have to learn not to JUDGE those feelings of others. What if the boy in the given situation loved the attention he was getting, rather than being embarrassed or hurt by the whispers and pointing? I feel like I'm learning this lesson so often - again and again - since becoming a mom. I think I was learning it way before Banner's birth, even in wedding planning, dating, buying a home, etc., but it's never been this big of a lesson until now.

So, what exactly am I talking about? Well, I was one of those people who always said things like, "When I'm a mom, I'm never going to let my baby watch TV," or "I'm going to breastfeed no matter what." I watched/read reports that indicated some amazing research we should take to heart, and I would say, "Oh, when I'm a mom, I'm totally going to remember that study and follow what they said," like in the case of not feeding solids before Baby is six months old. I was living in a fantasy land of sorts - thinking my kid was going to be perfect, my house would be immaculate, my husband and I would always be on the same page, and we would have a spectacular routine that left us full of energy and created stress-less times of ease and comfort! Don't get me wrong - I knew it would be difficult, and I had seen other people who just couldn't get to this calm, restful, structured, healthy, perfect life - so I knew it wasn't easy to obtain. Yet, I was going to be different. I wasn't going to be one of them!

Then LIFE HAPPENED! Literally - I gave birth to a creature who had a mind and body of his own, and he had other plans for me. Almost all of my preconceived ideas of my life-after-baby went completely out the window! I learned that my fantasies were exactly that - fantasies! It was time to SURVIVE! I went into survival mode, and I don't think I've come out of that phase completely. My house is very often a complete disaster; my child is unpredictable much of the time as he's changing and growing; Sam and I have to work extremely hard to stay on the same page and sometimes we never get to that point on certain topics, and "routine" is a foreign word and a foreign concept to me at this point. Many days, I'm just making it through, and if the damn TV helps keep my baby calm and happy, then I'm watching that flashy box with him!

I had told myself that I would breastfeed no matter what, no matter the pain, no matter the inconvenience, no matter my work schedule, etc. I used to judge others who didn't nurse because I thought they were lazy and selfish. I had heard about women whose milk supply was low, so they couldn't breastfeed, and I thought that was a nice excuse to get out of something difficult. I told myself, no matter what, I was going to work through whatever issue and not be one of those "lazy, selfish" moms. But, what I've learned is that I had NO idea what was coming. I had NO idea how hard things were going to be, what could go wrong, or how I'd feel in the reality of a situation. I remember sitting in the hospital thinking how judgmental I had been on this topic for so many years and feeling awful. How DARE I judge others when I had not been where they were! I had no idea what this would be like, what it would feel like, what the realities really were!

So, I'm walking through life with new shoes. They are MY shoes, and everyone has their own, and although I teach my students that they can (and should) be able to put themselves in other peoples' shoes, you can't truly do that until you are experiencing it for yourself - and even then, a perspective will be different. I've learned it's SO entirely unfair to judge any person's decisions about how they raise their child(ren), how they make decisions for their families, how they run their lives. You just don't know until you're there. And, in addition to that, having preconceived ideas about what YOU might do in a certain situation, only sets yourself up for feelings of failure, defeat, and disappointment when you realize you were wrong - that you didn't see the big picture, the real picture.

Not only have I realized that I did this in my pre-mommy days, but I'm realizing that people without kids are just as judgmental as I was before. I've been on the receiving end of that judgment when kid-less people think they know something. I'm nice and sensitive to where they are in their lives (since I was there once, too), and I smile and nod, but really, I want to say, "You have no idea what you're talking about, and once you have a kid, get back to me on that!" They just don't know yet. And, I'm not judging them (Ha! That would be ironic!) because I know they THINK they know, but they have no idea! Just like I didn't. I'm not saying child-less people don't have a clue, because some of the most poignant statements have come from child-less friends and family members. In fact, my sister (who is not a parent) has made several deep-thought comments that she was 100% right about. Sometimes I wonder how she knew the things she said in such a right way - or how did she know how to say it like that to calm me down? So, it's not necessarily an issue of having or not having kids, it's just an issue of knowing how not to be judgmental about someone else's life, choices, or decisions when you haven't been there yourself.

We all do this, too.... and it's not isolated to our kids. I remember my brother saying he was never going to take his kids to fast food restaurants years before his first baby was born. Yeah, right! I remember saying I would always eat dinner at the kitchen table - and how many nights have we eaten dinner on the couch? There are plenty of examples to think about, but the main point here is that you just never know until you're living the life you are in! We often have ideas about how things are going to be, and once we're really living our life and experiencing things we never have before, only then do we find out what it's really like.

This posting is my way of releasing myself from all those judgments I internally passed upon others. It's freeing myself from the set of rules I had made for my life as a mom. Banner has given me a new pair of shoes to walk in, a pair of shoes that no one else will ever wear. This pair of shoes will take me places I never knew I would go - nor could I ever have imagined such places. Some of these places I may not have ever wanted to go, but the miles I will walk in them will be amazing no matter what anyone else thinks!

I'm hoping this post will start a dialogue about all the things you once claimed you would (or wouldn't) do as a mom, or as anything (a professional, a wife, a homeowner, a friend), that is different now. Comments, anyone?