It's A.... Surprise!

At 19 weeks and 4 days along, we were able to get a second trimester screening sonogram which included the ability to tell if we were having a little Miss or a little Mr. More importantly, this sonogram would be able to show us more about our baby so we knew if he/she was healthy and growing okay. I was most interested in this part of the sonogram, of course, but because the beginning started off with quite a little shock, the rest of the appointment seems to be a bit hazy! As long as I kept hearing the sonographer and then the doctor continue to say that everything was measuring okay with statements of "Good," "Looks good," "Nice," "That's good," etc, I was still trying to take in the news that caused quite a perspective shift for us.

Remember how I said in an earlier post that we had a gender prediction at 12 weeks during our first trimester screening? Well, it wasn't just a prediction, it was a prediction with a 95% accuracy rate from a sonographer technician and 2 different doctors. Pretty impressive, if you ask me, but I still didn't trust this prediction given that I know a couple of people who had a similar prediction that was later found to be incorrect. So, Sam and I decided not to share this news, but we took it as nothing more than a prediction... a guess, really. We thought we'd just take this prediction the same way we took my mom's prediction or my colleagues' guesses, etc. We merely had a suggestion that the doctors thought. . . . . Yes, hard to really put that one out of your mind since it came with more background knowledge than the other "I have a feeling it's a ...," but we took the prediction lightly and moved on just glad that our baby was healthy.

Move forward 8 weeks, and here we are at our second trimester sono, waiting to know "for sure" what sex our baby is. 8 weeks of listening to most everyone we know tell us their uninformed, uneducated best guesses that we were having a girl - a prediction that our doctors also felt was 95% accurate. So, we kinda started believing that a little, thinking more about girl names, looking more seriously at girl decor than boy nursery styles, etc. That was 8 weeks of trying not to convince ourselves that there was a little girl inside - with an occasional usage of the pronouns "she" or "her" only with each other. I had come to bond with this baby girl, pretty sure we knew what her name was, too.

And, yesterday, at our sonogram, the sonographer placed the probe on my belly and lo and behold, we see a turtle-like structure and knew right away, without needing to be taught how to interpret that shape, that we had a little boy! In complete denial and shock, I tried hard to bring myself to understand that the doctors had been wrong, all of our friends and most of our family had been wrong. We had been wrong. I had a bonding feeling with a little girl who did not exist! I was trying so hard to really listen to what the sonographer was saying to us, but Sam and I were still taking in that we were going to have a son, not a daughter. All of a sudden, I had no idea who was in there when earlier I thought I knew. I had a sense of loss at first, even though that little girl only existed in our heads. The mind is a pretty powerful thing, we all know. It's amazing how I felt a sense of bonding to a girl that never existed. But, I do still feel a bond with this BABY... and now my gender stereotypes that I fought so much in college and graduate school are creeping in, and I am revamping my thinking from bows, dolls, princesses, and pink to Legos, trains, Batman, and blue! Lord knows I hate those stereotypes, but, sheesh, are they powerful! The other things that have seeped in and out of my head are the typical issues that affect girls and boys - you know, I won't be taking this child bra shopping, but I might help him know how to ask a girl (or boy, if that's his orientation!) out. As a parent-to-be, I've started worrying about how the world will treat my boy as opposed to a girl. How can I help this baby boy be a successful man, husband, father, brother(?), worker, etc?

So, needless to say, we were a bit caught-off-guard by the "fifth limb" we saw in the sonogram. I've mourned that baby girl a little, which at first disappointed me - that I was not more excited for a baby boy. I have felt horrible for my initial reaction for over a day now, but like I said before, the mind is a powerful thing, and I'm allowed to have a raw reaction. I have decided to be patient with myself until I can say goodbye to those fantasies in my head so I can more fully bond with Baby Boy and embrace all that having a boy means. After all, we already love this baby so much, want what is best for him, want him so desperately, and are so glad that he's healthy and growing stronger every day!

I saw myself as the mother of a daughter for months - at least with this first child, so now we have a bit of a paradigm shift and I'll be the mother of a son. And, I know boys are amazing. I married an amazing one; my nephews are all super sweet; my favorite little campers years ago were all boys; I taught/teach some of the most wonderful boys. And, I have been told that little boys adore and love their mommies so much! I already know the feeling will be mutual!