Capturing 2021

I sit here in bed on the last night of 2021 - struck with COVID, the coronavirus that has taunted and annoyed us for nearly 2 years now. My legs are achy, my temperature is slightly elevated to about 100.3, and I don't want to do much of anything. Yet, I'm still fortunate that this is the extent of my symptoms because I am fully vaccinated and boosted. This omicron variant seems to be everywhere. I'm annoyed that we got it after avoiding it so well, while at the same time, I'm proud of us that we made it 22-months without any kind of sickness in our immediate family. 

So, while I sit here just reflecting on this crazy year, I wanted to jot down some notes about what this year brought us. It certainly sucked a whole lot - the politics, the division among people in our country, the entitlement so many people have been feeling and exhibiting nation-wide,  the constant weighing of pros and cons about so many decisions we've made for our family and our kids (school, camp, play dates, screen time, vaccines, sports...). The world has been an ugly place a lot of the year, and I've been really down and angry about how disgusting humanity can be. The burn out from work and from my family life has been real and unending. Feeling like I want to throw the towel in nearly daily but having to push through it and give whatever I have left to give - it's been exhausting. I'm truly hopeful we can see brighter, easier days ahead.

But it hasn't been all horrible. Our family is lucky to be as blessed as we are, that we are in much better shape financially, physically, and emotionally than so many others. Here are some things I want to remember from this year:

• January - Inauguration Day - a day of hope and return of love of our country and its flag. 
• February - our snowy trip to Broken Bow where we celebrated Valentine's Day and Knox's 5th birthday during a snow storm that left so many at home without power; we came home and were able to house and help our family who were without heat or electricity for days; the fun in the snow on the Hightower hills, snowboarding for the first time with the help of Aunt Mischelle; Sam and I getting our first vaccine
• March - while it was sad to say goodbye to Emma, Graham, and George, we were more than ready to end virtual school and return to face-to-face school. Sam and I were fully vaccinated. We had a virtual family seder for Passover that was overall a success.
• April - we had our first Yes Day... and although I don't want another one for a very long time, the kids loved it. Banner also got his June 2024 Bar Mitzvah date!
• May - Knox graduated from preK. Saying goodbye to Anshai was not easy, but saying goodbye to preschool payments was very much a highlight! 
• June - Knox returned to Emler to finish out swim lessons. We celebrated Banner's 10th birthday and had a party with his friends at Urban Air and then a swim gathering with family. I got to spend some quality time with Banner & Quinn - Six Flags and Perot Museum - while Knox finished his one week at Anshai camp. Then, the boys adored Heritage Farmstead camp for two weeks. 
• July - Quinn and Banner went to GFC, and we got some extra special time with Knox. I had toe surgery so I won't get blisters on my baby toes anymore. Quinn got his top expander put in.
• August - Knox started Kindergarten, and Banner started his last year in elementary school. Quinn got his bottom expander put in. We went to see Wicked. Knox joined the boys at Sunday School which was finally back to face-to-face! The boys started piano lessons. And I got the courage to speak at a PISD school board meeting to voice my anger at even thinking about lifting a mask mandate.
• September - the boys returned to sports (Q - basketball, B - tennis and volleyball, K - soccer); we celebrated Sukkot in our usual themed fashion. Banner ran for Student Council president at school and did an amazing job! We celebrated our 12th anniversary and then Quinn's 8th birthday with a fun party at Crayola. 
• October - The boys and I spent a fun-filled couple of days at Great Wolf Lodge. We welcomed Tova to our family! We celebrated Keaton's bar mitzvah at what Banner called "the best party ever!" 
• November - we had a great Thanksgiving break, and we got to see Hamilton at Music Hall. 
• December - it was a pretty good month overall; we celebrated Hanukkah and spent time with family. 

There are some other things this year brought that weren't as great - like the constant treatment of plantar warts on four feet and one finger around here, a very long power outage, a superintendent resignation that I don't believe was really what she wanted, Banner spraining his wrist, Quinn getting a bee sting on his ear, and Knox having a black eye for months after a fall at Quinn's birthday party, trying out new medications from Ms. Sonia with little success, holes in pants and socks and ties from a nipping puppy, the horrible decisions of our governor and the Texas legislature (prohibiting mask mandates and the heartbeat bill), Mom struggling to recover from hip surgery, two friends losing their moms, and our own sadness in losing Mamaw. 

The things that brought us joy through it all: Ted Lasso, Sukkot, being able to be with family for holidays and birthday celebrations, The Great British Baking Show, rewatching the entire Friends series, Squid Game, Yesterland Farm, Handmaid's Tale, new shutters in our living room, going to Temple for Hanukkah and Sukkot celebrations, Million Little Things, the circle swing, Epic Waters, KidZania, Cheeky Monkey's, taking silly selfies with the Colgate toothbrushing app, time with Ms. Kim, bunny-sitting for Tucker, Fontina letters when all three boys lost teeth this year, "candle lit" showers, time in Grandma & Papa's pool, Minecraft, KreekCraft, Flamingo, Piggy, Friday Night Funkin', Roblox, Fortnite, and all the other screen things I can't remember that the boys were obsessed with this year, jumping on the trampoline, sliding down the slide at Big Boss's pool, Nerdvana, Schitt's Creek, hoverboards, scooters, bikes, a new storage shed in the back and finally being able to park two cars in the garage, the Hamilton soundtrack, true crime podcasts, Knox learned to read and to say his "s" and "th" sounds correctly, Medieval Times, telling stories late at night in a new bunk bed, Nerfies, drawing and coloring, Walking Dead, Crumbl cookies from NaNa, Workin' Moms, Candlelight, Tova losing two of her razor sharp teeth, when Emma or Lizzie babysit, the Van Gogh exhibit, Caden getting college acceptance letters, color baths and LED showers, playing in BeeBee & Zaide's backyard, finally being at face-to-face school with Levi, walking home with next door neighbors Anya and Caden, a Friends Night reunion, trick-or-treating, Dad volunteering at Cultural Diversity Day, and lots of puppy cuddles. In addition, Sam took some huge risks this year and joined a new program to help him grow his law firm, and his partnership with Max has been a really great transition. He's working more and more, which is both good and bad, but man, the firm is taking off! I'm really proud of all the work he has put in and the patience he's had all along. 

Overall, it was a good year for us. My frustrations have been with politics, school boards, selfish parents, and other people who just don't seem to care for others or have patience during a global pandemic that is still raging and changing. I'm hopeful the coming year will help get us back to civility, but that's a big ask. 

My goals for myself in 2022: to take better care of myself - physically and emotionally. That means lots of different things, but I'm going to keep it vague on purpose. 

Wishing everyone a very happy 2022! 

The Kind of Cuddle...

Dear Banner,

I just left your bedroom after a really good cuddle. The kind of cuddle that we just don't have as much as I'd like. The kind of cuddle that made me savor every moment, that made it impossible to pry myself out of your snoozing embrace to leave your room. The kind of cuddle that, before you fell asleep in my arms, made me tear up and shed a few tears because it was the kind of cuddle that reminded me of how I would cry happy tears when you were just a baby or a toddler. It was the kind of cuddle where my chin rested on the top of you head and our arms intertwined. The kind of cuddle that I could tell you were asleep by the slight jerks of your small body and the tightening of your hands - the same way I would know you were asleep as a baby. 

When Dad walked in your room, we were both quiet. He said, "Is everything okay in here?" as he walked over to the other side of the bed to tuck you in. We said yes and that we were just cuddling. He asked if he could join us, and we welcomed him. I told him we were having the kind of cuddle that makes my eyes water. You asked me if I was okay. I said I was great, that sometimes I cry when I'm really happy, and that this is the kind of cuddle that makes that happen. I said to ask Daddy how many nights did I used to come out of your room the first two years of your life crying tears of joy and love. Dad said, "There isn't a number high enough." I said I just loved cuddling you and holding you and rocking you. You said, "And you have a mama's warmth." I just smiled and reveled in the fact that you feel that. I want you to feel that so badly. I want you to know how loved you are, how amazing I think you are, and sometimes I just wonder if you do.

As my firstborn, I never know if what I'm doing is right. You're the boy I sometimes just can't figure out because you have so many unique characteristics. You're anxious, but you're confident. You're emotional, but you often don't care. You're distracted, but then you hear everything. You're inattentive, but then you are hyper-focused. You're selfish, but then you have the most caring manners and interest in others. You are terrified, but then you're brave and daring. You're wise beyond your years, but then you're innocent and naive. You want to be so much older than you are, but then you want us to do everything for you. You are an enigma, but then I know every detail about you. And so often, you're distant and unattached, and then like tonight, you're cuddly and affectionate and connected.

When you felt my wet cheeks, you said, "Are you going to post about this on Facebook?" I giggled and said, "Do you want me to?" You said, "I donno. I guess so. Are you going to tell Grandma about it?" I said. "I don't know. Do you want me to?" You said, "Sure." And I thought about how this moment is just so powerful, so personal, so special. Yes, it's one of those moments I usually post about, because I want it to pop up in my memories years from now and bring me right back to this very moment. But, this moment warranted more than a Facebook post, it needed a blog entry. I wanted to capture it in detail. 

Uncle Brock and I had an interesting conversation about you the other day. I mentioned that I'm worried about how you sometimes have OCD tendencies and some characteristics of hoarding. I said it's hard for you to throw away old shoes or old toys you never play with anymore; you get upset when we sell or donate our old furniture or other household items; you ask the teacher for the posters or the chart paper your class is done with and bring it home; you don't want to get rid of old calendars, old homework assignments, or workbooks. Uncle Brock said, "Maybe he gets some of that from you; you're always writing everything down and documenting everything." I hadn't thought about that, but he's right. I hoard memories. In my defense, I told him I have explained to you that I'm documenting your childhood FOR you, so you don't have to keep those torn up shoes, you don't have to hold on to clothes that don't fit, you don't have to have the physical things - we can take a photo and move on, make space for new things in our lives. We can remember those things, keep it locked in our memories, so our physical space is ready for new things and to create new memories. 

So, tonight, I'm making a mental note, writing that story out for you and for me. I wish I could bottle that cuddle. Time is passing so fast; you are getting older and bigger and will distance yourself from me before I know it. . . sometimes you already do. But, I hope that "mama warmth" is always there for you. I hope we can always cuddle whenever you want, whenever we need. And when there's a day we can no longer cuddle, I hope you remember these kinds of cuddles - the kind of cuddle that you can still feel even when it has ended. The kind of cuddle that lets you know I love you - love you so much it pours out of my eyes and down my cheeks. The kind of cuddle that lets you know you're one of the most special things to me in the entire world. The kind of cuddle that reminds both of us no matter how much we annoy or irritate or frustrate each other, we are both doing something right to be lucky enough to have this much love for each other. The kind of love that reminds you and me both that our love can fix all the hurt, all the questions, all the puzzles. The kind of cuddle that reminds us you are always my baby.

I love you so much Angel Baby,

Love, 

Mommy

Dear Leslie (10)

Dear Leslie, 

And so it happened. An entire decade has come and gone without you in it. Today, while we go about our daily activities and plans for a fun-filled Halloween night, your absence is still heavy. Last night, Vicki planned an evening to honor your memory after missing you for 10 years. You would have loved having everyone together - all laughing, chatting, playing. Sam and Vicki organized a memorial video that moved everyone, but what I loved about it was having Quinn and Knox see all these photos of you throughout your life. I knew everyone in the photos, but they have no idea who so many of the people are/were. I watched them watch it, and I watched them see their Daddy at their ages with his Mommy. I watched them see how much you look like their Aunt Gayle and their NaNa who both look so different yet both resemble you so much but in different ways. They hear about you all the time, and they have seen photos of you, but the seeing you with so many people who loved you, in my opinion, made them realize just how many people loved you and how much they miss out on not having you in their lives. Later in the evening, once we got home, Quinn came to me privately with tears in his eyes and said, "Mommy, I am sad for two reasons: one, because Bubbie died, and two, because I never got to meet her." He sobbed into my shoulder for a bit, and I held him. I reminded him that he is named after you, that his Hebrew name, Matan Lev, honors the memory of my grandfather (Manny) and you, Leslie. It means "giving," and "heart." 

Later, Banner who had been crying also, said he was sad that so many people were sad. He cried (on that same - now very wet - shoulder) telling me he's sad that Miles misses you so much and that he himself didn't get to know you. Again, I rocked my boy, the only one of my babies you got to meet. It was just over 10 years and 3 months ago when he wailed as we tried to figure out what was wrong. You were all smiles and laughter watching your son be a dad and have no idea what the hell he was doing. His frustration (and mine) were not what you saw. I can still see you in our old living room giddy and full of glee. You saw your baby with your new grandbaby. You saw payback. You saw that the wailing was no big deal in the big scheme of things. You saw something you didn't know you'd hardly ever see again. While I believe I would have acted differently if I were you, I have come to see that memory differently now. I only remember you being joyful with Banner. And that's what I can share with him. 

I don't have much to share with you that I haven't already told you in previous letters, except I caved and let your son get a dog! We are dog owners... I know you never would have believed that would happen! Tova is precious, and you would adore her. She's 12 weeks old, and she is so loving and sweet, but she also keeps us very much on our toes and forever busy! 

Speaking of busy, that is exactly how I'd describe life right now. Between Sam, the boys, Tova, our jobs, our house, and all the extracurriculars that come along with raising kids, I feel like we are always on the go. Life is full, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We count our blessings and know how lucky we are. But, we still miss you, and we wish you were here. We bring you along in ways we can, and there are (weirdly) ample opportunities for Sam to tell awkward "dead mom jokes" as he calls them. If you heard them, I'm sure you'd laugh them off and then tell him, "You're grounded."

I'll leave you with some photos of our night last night, remembering and honoring you. As always, I want to thank you for your son, for the gift he is to me and our boys. I promise to do my best, as I've told you before, to make every day a beautiful day. 

Loving you always,

Amber

More Sukkot Shenanigans

2021

Mispronounce It Sukkah! We were honored to have the grandparents join us for our first night in the (very hot) sukkah this year! Completely designed by my boys, this sukkah features foods that were once (or continue to be) mispronounced. The boys still love to laugh at how they used to say these foods (farshfellows for marshmallows, lemolade for lemonade, oogoogles for noodles, lemanos for Milanos, Chi-fil-a, aminal, psgetti, cimmanin, N-a-Ms, canpakes, and so on). Blue tags are for #bannerboone’s mispronounced foods, burgundy for #quinnredding, and green for #knoxmorgan. We even ate on (Quinn’s) “wellow” plates! As Knox says, “Halleyulah!” It’s finally sukkah time!!

Toy Sukkah! Our nephews/cousins, Miles and Colby, and friend, Caitlyn’s, joined us in the sukkah tonight for a toy-themed dinner featuring Dominoes (pizza), Strawberry (Shortcake), corn (poppers), Potato (Head), Cabbage (Patch Doll), Pound (Puppy) Cake, and Cookie (Play) Dough on Lego plates. Hearts and bellies are full! Each year, we ask our guests to sign the sukkah. Miles got prime real estate on the top of the structure since he is so tall! We also loved comparing the shoe sizes of our kindergartner and our senior! 

Idiom Sukkah! Quinn came up with tonight’s theme months ago and didn’t need to butter me up to get his way!  He really used his noodle! I could just eat him up! We loved having Uncle Marc, Aunt Debbi, and Natalie break bread with us! We got to have our cake and eat it too while learning about these expressions. A cloud 9 cake, candy from a baby, bigger fish to fry, spilled beans, (not so) cold turkey, silver platters, and eggs in a basket were just a few items in our spread. Sorry if this is too cheesy, but I’m proud of my boy, and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. - The One in the Sukkah! It’s Thursday night… Friends Night… so of course we invited the friends I’ve had for decades to join us tonight! We missed a few who couldn’t make it, but what a fun night this was. I’ve been excited about this potluck idea since right after our Friends Reunion in June. We had lasagna, Rachel’s special trifle (with a layer of “meat sautéed with peas and onions”), mashed potatoes (3 different kinds because that’s how Monica does it), Joey’s “Mmmm, Noodle Soup,” Ross’s turkey sandwiches with the “moist maker” thanks to Gretchen, Nestle Toulouse cookies and Monica’s “special” salad thanks to Bari, Mama’s Little Bakery cheesecake thanks to Cherie, hot mockolate, and even drank “the fat!”

On the Map Potluck Sukkah! We invited our friends to bring a dish (or two or three) whose name represents a location. We had Texas chili, Israeli salad, Belgian waffles, Fuji apples, Lima beans, American salad with French, Italian, & Greek dressings, Oaxaca, Monterey, & Swiss cheeses, Kentucky fried chicken, New York cheesecake, and Baked Alaska. The kids wore shirts with locations too: Grand Cayman, Israel, New Mexico, Texas, and Memphis. The kids were playful (and loud), the conversation was deep, the weather was amazing, and the company was heartwarming!

“I arranged the menu, the venue, the seating” in our….. Wait for it… wait for it… Hamilton Sukkah! This is the sukkah “where it happens,” and “if you don’t know, now you know!” Sam grilled Aaron BURRgers, I cut up 3 Fundamental Fruits, cooked some (It Must Be) Rice, & made a “World Turned Upside Down” Cake, the Pierce crew brought Satisfried Chicken, and we set out some Guns & Chips, some “History Has Its Fries On You,” some Blow (Us All Away) Pops, and (I Am Not Throwing Away My) Shots. I can’t tell you “how the sausage gets made,” but the the only thing missing from our kosher sukkah was A.Ham. We loved watching the movie, singing along with the music, and chatting & playing together. “One last time”… Happy Sukkot!