Journey to the Knot: September 2020

Dear Quinn,

When I was nearly 13, my dad wrote and shared a beautiful letter at my Bat Mitzvah. He wrote about how a "wise man" once told him that every now and then he should sit down and write a letter to each of his children telling them what he thinks they will be like when they're older, and that, inevitably, he would almost never be right. I have been writing you and your brothers letters since before you were born - not because of my dad's story or the "wise man's" advice, but because I just like to let you know how I am feeling as I watch you boys grow up, to let you know my innermost thoughts about what I observe as a parent, to let you know what is on my mind and in my heart, and most importantly, to capture your youngest days - days that you may not remember but would want to know about, days that are "slipping through my fingers all the time" and faster than I'd like. And, so, I agree with my dad that parents should sit down and write their kids' letters. But, My Love, Big Boss was wrong. What I've learned from these letters is that from day 1, I have known my children and predicted exactly right what they would be like as they age. (Obviously, I could still learn differently as you get into teenage years or adulthood; therefore, I reserve the right to change my mind!) Within moments and hours after your birth, I knew many things about you that are still true to this day: you're a cuddler, a little bundle of love, wise and thoughtful, quiet but let your feelings be known, a good eater, determined and confident, an affectionate, sensitive boy who just wants to know he's loved and accepted. I want you to know that I see you. I see you so much, Quinn. Our bond is strong, I know what you're thinking before you say it, and you know me just as well. Your personality (just like your brothers') has been evident since we met, and while I can't know the future, I know that yours is so bright. Here's why:

You are so super smart. Like freakishly smart. School bores you and irritates you because it's boring and redundant, when you're a fast learner ahead of your peers. Reading at a fourth grade level, performing math beyond your years, able to reason and solve complex problems and puzzles, interested in history and the world. You're a thinker. You have the most beautiful handwriting and take pride in your work. If you have a weakness, I would say it's spelling, but I see that developing nicely as you get a better understanding of vowel patterns when it comes to "coding" words. Decoding isn't an issue, but writing your own words can be trickier.
You have the best sense of humor. You understand sarcasm, puns, irony, and analogies. You love to be silly and make up jokes.
You are always willing to share what's on your mind. Lately, you tell me you worry about dying and not wanting life to go so fast. You were sad to turn 7, because saying goodbye to 6 was a little difficult. You love that we do an I Believe before each birthday, reminiscing about the year and reflecting on all the things. You whispered to me last night as I was reading I Believe to you: "It's all the fun things we did this year. This makes me smile." And that's why I do it!
You don't care what others think. You very often, inadvertently, put your shirt on backwards, and when I call your attention to it, you shrug it off and say, "I like it that way." You want me to paint your nails even if it's not a very "boy" thing to do, so when Banner calls you out on it, you say you don't care.
You have a great understanding of what is fair and just. You do not like that anyone would be judged for believing a certain way, for looking a certain way, for their skin color or gender identification or religion and so on. Tonight, Dad drove you to pick up dinner for us, and you said as it rained heavily, "I feel bad for people who are homeless."
You are a little romantic! My favorite thing is when you put your hands on my cheeks to pull me in for a kiss. You give the best hugs (still called "Famous Quinn Hugs!"). You have a girlfriend (don't worry, I won't embarrass you by saying her name here), and you send her the sweetest messages. And she is so sweet right back. My favorite messages she's left you are the voice recording: "OH MY GOODNESS, I LOVE YOU!" and the text she sent you when you told her you were sad, she wrote, "You can't be. I love you."
You still like to help me in the kitchen. While your desire to cook and bake with me has diminished a little because you're too obsessed with wanting to play video games, you want to learn more and find a sense of accomplishment when you get to make a meal.
You are so very gracious and appreciative. You have the best manners. It's not uncommon for me to only get a "Thanks, Mom!" from just you while your brothers completely ignore me. You're eager to apologize and make sure no one is hurt if you accidentally hurt someone or make a mistake or a mess. I love watching you jump up and down with this excited, wide-eyed, open-smiled grin and fist-pumping arms if you find out we're doing something fun or special.
You can be stubborn! You will not let me pull those two front teeth or even let me wiggle them to entice them to get loose enough for me to yank. You won't listen when I tell you not to help Knox with something (usually a video game) and inevitably end up in tears because he's hitting you while telling you to let HIM do it.
You can have quite a temper when things aren't easy or you don't understand or when you get frustrated (like with Lego instructions or getting the computer to do what you want). Usually this results in throwing things, hitting the couch or the bed, stamping your foot, making fists and swatting at the air, pouting then yelling then crying. Usually, you just need a hug and someone to help you reason, someone to remind you to breathe, to cool off, to look at the big picture, but I can feel your sense of frustration and despair in those angry moments. You feel those intensely. This is when I have to remind myself of your age, because you often times seem so old and so mature but then shut down like this, revealing how little you still are.
You're either going through a growth spurt or you are bored out of your mind with virtual school, but you want to eat ALL.THE.TIME. "I'm still hungry," you'll tell me after a big dinner. "Can I have another snack?" during a Zoom session.
Speaking of, you have loved at-home learning. We've been home for 6 months now, and you don't have much desire to go back to school in-person. You are content with your time at home. I do think you'd love to be back in-person to see your friends and go to PACE in person, but otherwise, you could care less about being back in the building.
You're always willing to participate. This summer, I had several activities planned to help make our long days at home more fun. You were usually the only one willing to try them out with me: making our own ice cream, baking pretzels, trying out new challah recipes, making slime, making moon dough, testing out the tin foil river in the backyard, trying new games .... I have a feeling you didn't really WANT to do these things but saw that I was trying and wanting to spend time with you guys this way. Either way, you and I got some time together and created more memories, and for that I'm grateful!
You learned to tie your shoes and ride a bike this year. They weren't easy tasks, and you were reluctant that you'd succeed, but with some great pep talks and some growth mindset, you conquered those fears. Similarly, you conquered your fears of going down the zip line and then couldn't get enough of it! I love watching you build that confidence and find such joy in your accomplishments.
Random facts about you: you sleep in your underwear and you'd prefer to never have to get dressed; you love to dance; you have growing pains more than your brothers; you hate ketchup; your favorite color is still "golden;" you flap your hands when you're excited or anxious/nervous (this is new in past 5-6 months); you love Legos; you love playing video games with your friends, cousins, brothers and most recently have begun bonding with Banner and his friends over Fortnite... you are nauseatingly obsessed.

Quinn Redding, if I had to make a prediction about your future (as Big Boss says parents should do), I foresee that you'll be a loving, passionate, giving man. I think you'll make an amazing spouse to someone who will be lucky enough to receive the attention, affection, and sweetness you can offer so generously. I foresee you making sure that you and your brothers stay close, the glue to the three of you keeping your brotherly relationships intact. Without a doubt, you are the one who will take care of ME when I'm an old lady. You'll be the one to visit me the most and wipe my tush if I can't do it myself! You won't want to, but you'd do it for me. You'll have a good-paying job and will work reasonable hours at something you're really good at and something you really enjoy. You'll get your heart broken from time to time, because you are so sensitive and willing to lay your heart on the line, but when you love you'll love fiercely and thoroughly. Of that, I have no doubt. You'll be angry at the world for not being fair, but you'll do your best to understand it and change what you don't like. Are these my hopes? Yes, of course! But, I really do think you'll be such a success in so many ways.

As "perfect" as I think you are sometimes, I know you aren't, and I don't want you to be. I want you to know it's okay to mess up, it's okay to be wrong, it's okay to have to work hard. You can be a little ball of anxiety sometimes, and you come by that naturally. And yes, I do worry about you, as all parents do for their kids, but I know you know I am always here for you. You sometimes say things that hurt my heart like when you told me earlier this year you don't like your voice (you thought you sounded weird in a recording, as most people feel about their own voices) or when you told me you wanted to change your name (luckily it was just to "Mr. Quinn," and that relieved me since I adore your name!!) or when you don't like to look at pictures of yourself as a younger kid. I love you so much that when I don't hear that love for yourself back it makes me hurt. Thankfully, last night after I said "No one loves you like I do," you replied with "Well, except me. I love myself a lot." Music to a mother's ears!! I want you to love yourself, and when things get tough and you aren't feeling as hopeful, happy, and strong, as our song says, "Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you. Love, you're not alone. I'm gonna stand by you." And I ALWAYS will. I couldn't love you more, my little middle squish!

Happy 7th Birthday, Quinny-Quinn!

I love you more than you could ever imagine.

Love,

Mom