Baby Boy's Bachelor Pad

When I first moved in to my new home over 4 years ago, my sister was my roommate, and we chose to paint her room a beautiful shade of purple/blue that went well with her bedspread and could be a great color for a child's room years later. I love this shade, and I thought it would look great with furniture for a girl or a boy. However, as the reality of a baby living in this room really hit Sam and me, we decided the shade was a bit too feminine for our boy, and the furniture we've selected would look better with a brighter, lighter hue. So, the daunting task of painting the room became more of a reality. Lucky for me, I didn't have to lift a finger during this process - other than heading the color-selection-committee since my husband is colorblind. I think we did pretty good, though, given Sam's handicapping blindness to color! Sam and his dad took charge of getting this paint job done, while I stayed at my mom's house for 2 nights to escape the process and the fumes. This bachelor pad will be a work in progress for Baby Boy - even though his furniture has already been ordered! - but here are a few pictures of before and after!

Thank you, Sam and Richard! You guys did a fabulous job!

BEFORE: (Kind of hard to see how purple it is, really.)

DURING:
AFTER: (a lighter, calmer, cooler shade!)


And, one other fun picture - while I was at my mom's, my niece got to hear her cousin's heartbeat while in his CURRENT bachelor pad. We laughed when we could hear him moving around in there, too. Of course, that made me laugh, which made the speaker go crazy with loud, monstrous sounds! :)

Worrying about Parental Worry

20 weeks pregnant, and I've never worried like I've worried for the past 16 weeks or so. I'm not exactly sure when most people would say you've become a "parent." Is it when you first lay eyes on your baby? Is it when you find out there's a baby on the way? Is it when you are taking care of ANYTHING - dog, cat, baby? What really defines the beginning of parenthood? I'm really not sure - and the purpose of this post is not to define that for anyone or even myself. It's just to reflect on how "parental" I already feel just knowing there's a baby on the way. And, I'm a little worried about this "parental" feeling given that it consists of so much WORRY!

I know I sound naive, and obviously, I've never done this before so it comes with the territory. But, I knew this was coming. I may be new at this, but it doesn't take a genius to know parents worry - to know that I will have lots of sleepless nights freaking out about my baby's health, my child's future, my decisions as a parent, etc. And none of my concern or worry for my baby surprises me or Sam - it's just so deep and so immediate!

So, what AM I worried about? (The better question might be what am I NOT worried about?!) Well, first and foremost, I'm worried about the health and survival of our little one. My biggest frustration (other than the indigestion/reflux that taunts me every minute of every day even before I've eaten anything!) is the fact that there is a human being inside of me that I cannot check in on at all until the doctor decides it's time for a sonogram that never lasts long enough! I've been told by family members that I need to try to relax and not worry about this feeling - but that's so much easier said than done. Those that say this are concerned that when the baby is actually here, I will continue to worry and want to check in on the baby all the time if I'm already feeling that way. Well, who knows how I'll be when the baby is actually here - I won't know until he is here. However, even knowing that a quick peek or a listen to the monitor will reassure me makes me believe that I'll be okay. The problem with the womb is that there is no window! I have no idea if the baby is growing okay, no signals on a daily basis that development is on track. And, if you've read any of my previous posts or know me already, you would know that I don't do well with the unknown. So, welcome to parenthood, right? The world of the unknown. This must be nature/God's way of helping parents dive right into the scary waters of uncontrollable unknowing!

Because I worry about the health and development of our baby, and because I'm the sole care-taker of him right now, I worry that the decisions I make might adversely affect him. I worry about the foods I eat, the medicines I take (to control this damn reflux!), the activities I do, the stress I experience, etc. Anything from dancing too much at my best friend's wedding to having to slam on my breaks in a near auto collision (which makes my heart pound as my adrenaline soars) can worry me. In reality, I know that women have babies all the time, that many of them don't even know they are pregnant until way later in the pregnancy, that babies have been born to women since the beginning of time. And, that all of these women had days of stress, days of bad eating, days of sickness, days of scares and adrenaline rushes. So, I recognize that my fears and concerns are (somewhat) silly and uncalled for. But, again, this is new, and I'm entitled to feel the way I feel.

Those two issues are probably the biggest, most concerning at this point. Of course there are other worries - will delivery be safe, will I be a good parent, will Sam & I be on the same page about most of our decisions, will we pick the safest car seat (or stroller, or tub, or mattress, or crib, or bottle, etc!!) how will we manage our personal, couple, family, and friend times, will we afford everything we need/want for our child, will my body recover well or EVER look remotely like it did before, will nursing go well, should I be a stay-at-home mom or a working-outside-the-home mom, will he like his name - heck, will I ever pick a name and stop worrying about the possible nicknames or playground taunts!!...etc. But, another concern is the mere question of - will I ever stop worrying? And, I know from my professional life that the answer is NO! I just don't want to be like so many of the mothers I see in my career - helicopter moms, moms who live only through their children, moms who won't let their children mess up or make mistakes, moms who have to control everything from their child's friendships to their child's teachers! I want my child to know that I believe in him, that I trust him, that I can relax a little. . . yes, I CAN relax (a little!).

To sum it up, I'm a worrier. I'm worried. I'm going to continue to worry. There's no way around it - even with logical thinking and reasoning. I am an intelligent woman; I know the statistics, I know the realities of most everything I'm concerned about. But, maybe that's what being a "parent" is all about - knowing and understanding logically but still worrying about the well-being of your own child. It's just so hard to love someone so much so fast without ever having met this person before and not having any knowledge of him except for his mere existence. I can only imagine how much more the love grows once you have met. The parental instinct to nurture and protect this creature you've never met is more than I could have ever known. It's both exciting and scary, and I'm sure it will get exponentially more intense in the coming weeks, months, and years. In the meantime, I'll just have to hope I can stop worrying, and stop worrying about being worried.

(NOTE: No, I'm not in need of psychiatric help, medical attention, or community intervention. I'm merely stating what so many parents feel and don't say. I AM able to sleep, eat, work, take care of myself, and otherwise function. Whatever you do - please don't worry about me!)

It's A.... Surprise!

At 19 weeks and 4 days along, we were able to get a second trimester screening sonogram which included the ability to tell if we were having a little Miss or a little Mr. More importantly, this sonogram would be able to show us more about our baby so we knew if he/she was healthy and growing okay. I was most interested in this part of the sonogram, of course, but because the beginning started off with quite a little shock, the rest of the appointment seems to be a bit hazy! As long as I kept hearing the sonographer and then the doctor continue to say that everything was measuring okay with statements of "Good," "Looks good," "Nice," "That's good," etc, I was still trying to take in the news that caused quite a perspective shift for us.

Remember how I said in an earlier post that we had a gender prediction at 12 weeks during our first trimester screening? Well, it wasn't just a prediction, it was a prediction with a 95% accuracy rate from a sonographer technician and 2 different doctors. Pretty impressive, if you ask me, but I still didn't trust this prediction given that I know a couple of people who had a similar prediction that was later found to be incorrect. So, Sam and I decided not to share this news, but we took it as nothing more than a prediction... a guess, really. We thought we'd just take this prediction the same way we took my mom's prediction or my colleagues' guesses, etc. We merely had a suggestion that the doctors thought. . . . . Yes, hard to really put that one out of your mind since it came with more background knowledge than the other "I have a feeling it's a ...," but we took the prediction lightly and moved on just glad that our baby was healthy.

Move forward 8 weeks, and here we are at our second trimester sono, waiting to know "for sure" what sex our baby is. 8 weeks of listening to most everyone we know tell us their uninformed, uneducated best guesses that we were having a girl - a prediction that our doctors also felt was 95% accurate. So, we kinda started believing that a little, thinking more about girl names, looking more seriously at girl decor than boy nursery styles, etc. That was 8 weeks of trying not to convince ourselves that there was a little girl inside - with an occasional usage of the pronouns "she" or "her" only with each other. I had come to bond with this baby girl, pretty sure we knew what her name was, too.

And, yesterday, at our sonogram, the sonographer placed the probe on my belly and lo and behold, we see a turtle-like structure and knew right away, without needing to be taught how to interpret that shape, that we had a little boy! In complete denial and shock, I tried hard to bring myself to understand that the doctors had been wrong, all of our friends and most of our family had been wrong. We had been wrong. I had a bonding feeling with a little girl who did not exist! I was trying so hard to really listen to what the sonographer was saying to us, but Sam and I were still taking in that we were going to have a son, not a daughter. All of a sudden, I had no idea who was in there when earlier I thought I knew. I had a sense of loss at first, even though that little girl only existed in our heads. The mind is a pretty powerful thing, we all know. It's amazing how I felt a sense of bonding to a girl that never existed. But, I do still feel a bond with this BABY... and now my gender stereotypes that I fought so much in college and graduate school are creeping in, and I am revamping my thinking from bows, dolls, princesses, and pink to Legos, trains, Batman, and blue! Lord knows I hate those stereotypes, but, sheesh, are they powerful! The other things that have seeped in and out of my head are the typical issues that affect girls and boys - you know, I won't be taking this child bra shopping, but I might help him know how to ask a girl (or boy, if that's his orientation!) out. As a parent-to-be, I've started worrying about how the world will treat my boy as opposed to a girl. How can I help this baby boy be a successful man, husband, father, brother(?), worker, etc?

So, needless to say, we were a bit caught-off-guard by the "fifth limb" we saw in the sonogram. I've mourned that baby girl a little, which at first disappointed me - that I was not more excited for a baby boy. I have felt horrible for my initial reaction for over a day now, but like I said before, the mind is a powerful thing, and I'm allowed to have a raw reaction. I have decided to be patient with myself until I can say goodbye to those fantasies in my head so I can more fully bond with Baby Boy and embrace all that having a boy means. After all, we already love this baby so much, want what is best for him, want him so desperately, and are so glad that he's healthy and growing stronger every day!

I saw myself as the mother of a daughter for months - at least with this first child, so now we have a bit of a paradigm shift and I'll be the mother of a son. And, I know boys are amazing. I married an amazing one; my nephews are all super sweet; my favorite little campers years ago were all boys; I taught/teach some of the most wonderful boys. And, I have been told that little boys adore and love their mommies so much! I already know the feeling will be mutual!